What I've Learned

I have learned that the world is a very big place. And I am a very small piece of it.

I have learned that doing anything to improve the world, no matter how small, is huge.

I have learned that love comes in many packages; it is not for me to decide, but for my heart to accept.

I have learned how little I know, how little control I have, and how everything can be put into perspective. It's a choice I make.

I have learned that I cannot be taught patience, but that patience will be applied to me as needed, I do not have control.

The smile of a child is one of the greatest gifts that we can receive.

No matter how long you live, in the end, you have lived exactly long enough.

Family means love; biology doesn't have the final say.

Loss prepares us and gives us strength. I don't like it, but that's the way it is.

Letting other people help is a sign of strength and wisdom, not weakness.

The power of the statement "ask and ye shall receive" is as powerful as "if you do not ask, you will not receive"

Opportunities are only opportunities if you seize them.

Don't judge, educate.

Fear is just an excuse. (I can catch a Hershey bar out the window at 70 mph.

Friendship is not measured by the quantity, it is measured by the quality.

Never under estimate the power of ice cream.

All of these words, from "Once upon a time" until, "They all lived happily ever after" have been about my journey before meeting Tamene, Before I Knew You.

I still have a lot to learn about little Tamene, I still have a lot to learn about each of my children, and they have a lot to teach me. I am so grateful for each of my precious gifts and the ability to share them with my wonderful husband.

At this very moment my three children sleep together, and comfort each other to sleep through the night. Sharing love and comfort and understanding of what each needs, and what each must sacrifice, to support each other through another night of sleep.

May I continuously encounter opportunities to learn and to be taught.

Reflections

Yesterday I assembled a photo album of our trip. 200 photos. I noticed a couple of common themes. Tamene moves a lot. Tamene likes the bus. Tamene can throw a great tantrum.

In most of the pictures Tamene is smiling and as adorable as can be. You can see those huge eyelashes in almost every picture. But there are a couple of occasions where we have a play-by-play of a full blown tantrum. Head back, body on the ground, face in the dirt, pictures don't capture the fine sobbing noise he has mastered over the course of his short life, but is it humorous.

The light is different in Ethiopia. Maybe the elevation, maybe the positioning in relation to the equator. I am not sure. But it is beautiful. Some of the pictures are so amazing. The light in Africa made everything more beautiful... visually. I continue to be hesitant to comment on the people and the culture of Ethiopia, because I cannot do it justice. Through my Western filter there are so many blind spots. Since meeting Tamene's birth mother, I have wished many times that I could view the world through her eyes, just for a moment. I do not wish to have a different life or to be in another time or place... but I wish that I could have the capacity to see the world in many different lights, just one of those being this woman's eyes whose heart I wished I could comfort.

I live in a beautiful place. There is a pond I can see from one window and the colorful effects of fall upon the trees through another window. A cool breeze across my face as I snuggle into my warm clothes, with an apple and a cup of tea. An infinite supply of information at my fingertips. This is a great place to be. I am grateful and blessed and would not give it away, but I do feel that I have missed out understanding the complexity of planet Earth. I have a new desire to understand what lays beyond the edge of my world. I have a slight sense of panic realizing how much more there is to learn, and how little time we are given to do it in.

Eleven days ago we returned from Ethiopia. I cannot say that I am rested or recovered from the trip, the whole experience. There are still many pieces of the trip that I cannot put into words, and then of course there are periods in time that I don't even remember.

A few people have asked what I would do differently, or maybe what advice I would have for others. I am satisfied about the time I spent making lists, it didn't seem waisted. I was happy with the amount of packing I did, I felt prepared for most any situation I encountered, as well as a couple for fellow travelers. I would have been more prepared had I ever traveled out of the country before. I did enough research that there were several things that felt "familiar". All in all, I feel good about how things went. Trent and I were very, very grateful to have Jamie along. I can't say I would recommend that other people bring a travel companion, unless you have a Soul Sister you can bring. This isn't just any trip, and not just anyone will do. I won't speak for her, but I don't think Soul Sister's services are for hire. So I can't offer any additional advice about how to make the trip better for someone else. But if I had to (or do do) it all over again, having my Soul Sister there was the core of what little sanity I took with me and I would do it again.

Tamene continues to adjust and is doing well. We have a few minor (and very temporary) medical issues that we are dealing with. But this is all to be expected. He has been communicating with us well - all non-verbal at this point. And he seems to understand most things that we tell him.

I continue to plan to close this blog in the near future. I am just keeping it as a security blanket to give me the opportunity to add any new thoughts that come to me about the adoption or specifically our trip.

I continue to feel extreme gratitude towards all those who have walked with us during our adoption journey.

Much love to all...

(warning: possible Kleenex post)
I know I have mentioned in previous posts, I try to be careful about who or what I reference, as some people are more private than others. Or, there are things that just don't seem appropriate to share.

I do want to protect privacy, but there are a couple of incidents that I want here for the purpose of documentation. As tired and overwhelmed as Trent and I are, there are blocks of time missing from our memory from the past couple of weeks. When I read over my notes on our trip to Ethiopia, some of it was a surprise to me. So I'd like to justify the following post by saying, with all due respect, this is for documentation for us and our children about this time in our lives, I ask for forgiveness in advance if this seems inappropriate.

Saturday we buried Luna. We took her to Jamie's parents farm and she rests now near the dog the Macks recently lost. It's amazing what we (humans) can find comfort in. Luna is buried with a bone and few outfits I bought her as a puppy (mostly to irritate Trent), and all the tears of serendipity I could fit in one little wooden box. We said our good byes and each of the children shoveled a little piece of earth onto the box. It's amazing how much of my heart went into that box. It's a good thing that love and heart are infinite...

Sunday (yesterday) we went to the hospital to visit Trent's grandpa. He has not been feeling well and all the family went to visit. Grandpa was able to meet Tamene and we were able to tell him about our trip to Africa. Today... tonight, Grandpa has gone home to his final resting place. I feel honored and blessed to have met this man and his wife, who is an amazing Grandma, and to have shared our adoption journey before he passed. There is much more I could say, but I want to respect that this is a difficult and sad time for our family. I just want to say that we loved Grandpa and that he will be missed greatly by this family.

Much love to all our friends and family. Good night.

For when he wakes...

I saw this quote framed recently. I love it!

Let him sleep, for when he wakes he will move mountains.

Tamene continues to show us an abundance of energy. I cannot sleep tonight, but am hoping that he will continue to rest, so I can go back to sleep as soon as my eyes get tired again. Tamene is an amazing little boy. He has the greatest smile and brings out the best in Naven and Angelisa. Don't get me wrong, they are already showing clear signes of Siblingdom, but Angelisa is such a great teacher and Naven is so compassionate. They both work to comfort him. Each one of my children has such unique gifts. It is amazing to watch thier relationship grow and settle in so quickly. Tamene makes Naven and Angelisa laugh. He is such a little performer. Ahhh, it is so quiet here in the Peterson household at 2 am on a Monday morning. It sure is nice to be the mother of a sleeping family.

Experiencing Gratitude

Denis Wait
Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new.

William Arthur Ward:
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.

Felix Frankfurter:
Gratitude is one of the least articulate of the emotions, especially when it is deep.

Theory of Relativity

We are all doing fine today. I'd say that things seem more normal today. But I am confident that I don't know what normal is any more. Thanks to everyone who helped us make it through the last 48 hours, and thanks for all the calls to check in on us.

Tamene and Meadow have mostly called a truce. Tamene will allow Meadow in his space without screaming, but if she gets too close he will try to step on her or throw something. Poor Meadow. Don't worry, we are working with Tamene to correct the problem. He seems to be getting it... well actually he always seems to get it, the question is how long and hard he wants to test the limits before actually following directions.

Tamene ran and played so very hard yesterday. We thought he would be wiped out and sleep right through the night. Nope. And he was up this morning full of energy and ready to go again. I am going to blame this on continued jet lag, time confusion of some kind. I can't wait to see the mess I have on my hands when he finally crashes. Or maybe he does indeed come equipped with this much energy. Only time will tell. Or maybe a little study on E=mc2, will help me figure out how much energy he has left? If nothing else works, I will have to start moving a lot faster and hope for the Theory of Relativity to kick in!

Wish us well on our first coherent weekend together as a family of 5, may we all have as much or more energy than Tamene.

Goodnight Moon

I am not sure if this post requires a Kleenex warning or not. I can tell you, I have finished off a box of Kleenex and moved on to a roll of toilet paper.

Our adoption journey has a parallel story or maybe a predecessory journey that has helped me prepare for our Adoption Journey in the most amazing and, well... serendipitous way.

"Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for." - Lawrence Block

As the story goes, I wanted a baby. It was last November when it all started. We had just begun considering the adoption process, and we didn't have any idea how long it would all take. But my maternal instincts were so strong. I was desperately in need of a baby.

Only weeks, maybe days, after Trent and I first discussed adoption, we were approaching Christmas and my mom talked about how her friend had some puppies that would make great Christmas gifts. The idea was for other people, not for me. My mom hadn't intended for me to take this suggestion personally. But before we ended our phone conversation, I wanted a puppy.

I wanted a puppy, the puppy should be little and cute, and should be mine. I didn't know how instrumental she would be in distracting me from the wait in our adoption.

In just a day or two, my mom managed to get me pictures of this little puppy, a girl, (so tiny) that would be mine. I immediately drew the conclusion that as difficult as the wait would be for a puppy, whose picture I held in my hand; how much more difficult would the wait be for a child when I held that picture in my hand.

I printed out the pictures and carried them with me and decided on a name. Before we knew Tamene we called him Baby Kashi... I thought to name the puppy Kashi, but the name had been assigned it's purpose and she would need another. I stuck with the food pattern and she would be named Luna. (Kashi bars and Luna bars, my favorite standby food for triathlons, trips to Africa, and your basic "make it through the morning snack").

Luna's picture in hand, I waited for her to arrive. The wait seemed long and I was so excited. I frequently noted my excitement and wondered how I would ever make it through the wait for a child if I was barely making it through the wait for this bundle of puppy.

At last she arrived. And she loved me. She followed me and was always near by. She was sneaky and loved to steal things and hide them under a chair or table. Before company would visit I knew to remove the random pieces of papers, toys, socks, underwear and other items she had stolen and moved into hiding. Though I never minded. I loved her and the cuteness was worth the inconvenience.

She really belonged to both Angelisa and I. Only responding to us in our plea to have her come so we might take her out or settle her in for the night. I was proud when she didn't go to other people. She knew she was my dog and she would come to me no matter what.

Last night serendipity set in. We lost Luna, her short life and even shorter time with us had come to an end. She came in to help me through the wait. She prepared me for the experience and then as quickly as she stole my heart it was broken.

In the moment of loss I realized just how this little dog had prepared me for so much. Prepared me for the wait. Knowing what it would be like to look at a picture and to fall in love before meeting. And that the bond could be immediate and binding with only one glance.

She prepared me for the tornado that can come in a small package. She always created more drama and had more needs than the big dog, Meadow, and some days even more than the children combined.

She was cautious, she looked to me to make it ok, she always stayed near by, I never wondered where she was, always with me, sometimes so near I couldn't see her.

I loved this little dog. I loved her, and I was proud of her. Proud that she was cute and wild, but most of all that she loved me. Sassy, she was so sassy. She knew how to get attention. Every morning she would come to me for petting and love before she could do anything else, so adorable. Most mornings I would stop everything to hold her for several minutes or until Trent asked if I planned to go to work.

Tamene was afraid of her at first, but they interacted. She was somehow different now that he had arrived. A little grown up and a little more demanding. It seemed that there would be either a battle of the hierarchy or a passing of the torch. Just the night before Tamene and Luna had called a truce and he kissed her... from fear of her to kissing her in just days. And that was it. It seemed she approved and there wouldn't be a battle of the hierarchy, just acceptance, and later we would see a passing of the torch.

We have lost our little Luna, the 6 pound puppy who could create a tornado or take down the big dog as needed, make Trent fall in love with her (the little rat that she was)... and overcome her own fears to allow another human to find a moment of peace and accomplishment in allowing them to pet her.

So much of this seems to prepare us for our 3 year old tornado, who seems to come to me for comfort. Tamene, awaking this morning as I type, coming for his love, and ensuring he got his hug and planted a big kiss on Mommy.

I loved Luna. Loved. I just wanted a puppy, I just wanted to be a mommy. I couldn't bear the wait to Tamene alone. I needed a partner, though not often silent in voice, always right there to comfort my anxiety or fears or bring a smile in the times of worry and impatience. She was sent as a gift with a purpose. She offered more than I ever could have asked or dreamed and then she was gone. As timely as she arrived, she left. Not without making her parting peace with the little boy who stole my heart from her.

Tamene leans to kiss her on the nose, as afraid as he was of the little dog, a kiss. I witnessed the kiss and I did know everything would be ok. I wish she didn't have to leave us, I wish she could have stayed, but as an angel comes to comfort and then leaves you when you are strong, so did little Luna.

Goodnight Moon.