*please be sure to read notes at the bottom of this post.
Don't worry I haven't run out of material to write about - but thought I would collect some info that might spur on some ideas for writing:
Click Here to take surveyI continue to do "e-nesting" - this is my need to ensure everything electronic is "ready". I don't know what "ready" means, I am sure it's as arbitrary as "e-nesting". In KamPossible's world the sky is purple and the language is KamPossiblian. It's my blog, my world, and now my language.
It's Friday night, 2 eternities (weeks) since we officially became Tamene's parents. Officially - on paper. My thought, anyone can be a parent on paper, I need that boy.
It's not every day that someone asks you how many children you have and how old they are. Apparently for me, today is the first time in two weeks. My answer, "Three children, an 8 year-old, a 5 year-old at home, and a 2 1/2 year old we are waiting to bring home from Ethiopia." Apparently not the answer expected - response, "Are your other two children adopted?" I reply, No. Interesting question, of course people will ask this... no real surprise or concern on my part, but just a new experience. I couldn't have predicted it would go quite like that. How would it or should it go? I don't know. I had not thought about it, just surprised myself when I was in the situation.
I wonder what people will ask when they see family photos.
I wonder how family members will explain family photos.
I wonder how family members will introduce our family to their friends, will it be different if I am there or if I am not?
As long as I am thinking about that, I'd like to make a couple of suggestions - since a major goal of my blog is to educate:
The proper way to introduce us once Tamene is home:
"These are my cousins"
"These are my nephews"
"These are my grandchildren"
"This is my family"
"This is my friend's family"
(note how this sounds EXACTLY like you would introduce our family today).
It is not appropriate to refer to Tamene as an "adopted child". He WAS adopted, not IS adopted. It happened in the past, it is not his state of being.
Here are some articles I found - more education on adoption language. (not listed in any particular order Grandmas).
Tips for the Adoptive Grandparent http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/adopt/grandmothers.html By Beth O'Malley
Few things are more completely enjoyable than becoming a grandparent. Grandchildren are one of life's joys, whether they come by birth or via adoption. All grandchildren are loved equally and are equally lovable.
When a new family member is adopted, share your excitement. Share snapshots. Exclaim about the traits that make this child a prodigy! And know that adoption brings some unique challenges. Following are a few suggestions for navigating once you find you are a member of an adoptive family.
People are fascinated by adoption, and this fascination can lead well-meaning friends and neighbors to pose very personal questions. Remember that a child's adoption story is akin to a conception story. It is private, and one should consult with the adopted person before sharing the details.
Think about language, and encourage others to do so. As an adult adoptee, I have heard this question all my life: "Have you ever met your real parents?" What this said to me as a child was, "Your adoptive parents are fake." I felt confused. As an adult, I answer, "I was raised by my real parents." It's a good idea to call the family of origin birth family (as in birth mother) as opposed to natural family (which implies the adoptive family is unnatural or artificial). Many people will have the best of intentions but use terms that confuse or hurt children.
If your family adopted internationally or from a different race, you have become a member of a transcultural and often transracial complex family. Translated into day-to-day events, this means you might celebrate Chinese New Year in addition to the traditional holidays. Unfortunately, this also means that your grandchild will be confronted by bigotry and will need your support and sensitivity. Your lifetime of experiences will be key in shaping your responses. Be wholly honest.
Remember, throughout, that your grandchildren are connected to you and to the family. They may not look a lot like you or your child, but they will develop similar voice patterns, talents, tastes, and interests. Don't assume the adopted child will automatically know this-it took me 45 years to figure out that I got, first, my dry sense of humor from my adoptive father, and, second, my ability to 'stretch and save' from my grandmother, a North Carolina farmer. Every Carolina reunion I attend reminds me that genetics are not the only way to pass on family traits.
At a recent reunion, I was introduced to my mother's best childhood friend. They hadn't seen each other in over 60 years. The friend inspected me closely and stated, "You sure don't look like a Haney." I smiled back, shook my head, and said, "I sure don't." I knew what she really wanted to know. But at that moment, I was completely my mother's daughter.
| What to Say, What Not to Say: Tips for Non-Adoptive Parents |
|
"Is that your real mother?" "Is she your real sister?"
Adoptive parents say they’re often asked questions that they believe people would never dream of asking non-adoptive parents. What non-adoptive families may not realize is that these questions – however well-intended – may feel intrusive or insensitive.
Experts and adoptive parents offer these tips for what to say, and what not to say when talking with members of an adoptive family:
• Don’t ask personal questions.
• Don’t talk about the child in public.
• Don’t use the term "real." Instead, talk about "birth parents" and "birth siblings." Adopted children are, in fact, living with their real parents, who are bringing them up. They are also living with their real brothers and sisters, who are growing up in the same family.
• Don’t refer to the birth parents as the "natural" parents. The implication is that the adoptive parents are unnatural.
• Don’t tell people that they are selfless for taking someone else’s child or suggest that the child is lucky. "First, these are our own children," says Kathryn Creedy of Celebrate Adoption Inc. "Second, adoption is really a very selfish thing. People adopt for just one reason: They are looking for what is inherent in most of us, children of their own. They can’t or choose not to do it in the traditional method so they adopt."
• Don’t tell horror stories unless you can prove it only happens in adoptive families. "The human condition is complex and to ascribe a problem as being solely attributed to adoption is incorrect," Creedy says.
What Not to Say
One of the key pieces of advice that Johnston offers – and one that most adoptive families agree with – is that it’s not OK to ask personal questions:
"When you ask somebody, ‘What do you know about the real parents? What did it cost?’ it’s really like asking them about their conception process. You would not feel OK if someone came up to you and said, ‘That little redhead is so cute, what did you do to get red hair?’ or, ‘What position of intercourse did you use?’ It would be a breech of privacy boundaries – the same is true of adoption."
When the questions are driven by someone else’s possible interest in pursuing adoption, however, many adoptive parents will reveal some of the intimate details without feeling violated, Johnston says.
Lubowich, an adoption educator and specialist, suggests that non-adoptive families phrase statements and questions by starting with "I," such as "I’m interested because …"
If you do not know the family, instead of identifying the adopted child and saying "Excuse me, is your child adopted?" try starting the conversation by talking about yourself, Lubowich suggests.
"You might say, ‘Excuse me, I’m thinking about adoption and if you’re an adoptive family …’" That way, you’re not targeting the child and you’re starting with an explanation.
"Or someone could say, ‘I have some questions about adoption. Is it OK to ask?’ rather than jumping in and asking, ‘Why did you adopt from this place?’ or ‘How much did the adoption cost?’"
Adoptive parent Susan Caughman, the publisher of Adoptive Families magazine, wishes parents would educate their children about adoption "just as they do about poverty and sex and race or gender bias and everything else that’s important to their moral education. Don’t wait for your kids to ask. I think it’s the parents’ responsibility."
Caughman suggests that parents explain that "all children are born in the same way; everybody is born to someone. You might say, ‘Johnny has two families: one he was born to and one that is raising him.’ I think that’s a good solution because it’s accurate," she says. "The No. 1 thing non-adoptive parents need to know is that there’s nothing shameful about adoption. It’s normal. It’s one of the many ways families are formed. They are made by love and not by biology. Once kids understand that, it’s really pretty straightforward."
Creedy suggests that parents talk about adoption with their children in general terms. Don’t say, "Your classmate was adopted and here’s his story." Instead, say something like, "Your classmate was adopted and this is why children are adopted: Sometimes parents can’t take care of their child properly. They work to find a family who can take care of that child. They do what’s called making an adoption plan."
"With that kind of language," Creedy says, "you send a message that this is a considered plan the birth parents are making, rather than someone just giving up or abandoning a child. These birth parents have deep feelings for these children and want what is best for their child."
| Personal Questions and Thoughtless Comments: Tips for Adoptive Parents |
|
"Is your son adopted?"
You’re standing at the checkout line at the supermarket, and someone leans over your shoulder and oohs and aahs: "What a beautiful baby. Is she yours?" Or you’re watching your son navigate the play structure at a playground when someone you’ve never met asks, "Is your son adopted? How much did he cost?" Or the boy and girl you adopted from two different birth families in the United States are playing happily together and a neighbor asks, "Are they real brother and sister?"
Adoptive families say they’re often asked deeply personal questions by people they don’t know. "There’s a general sense that people have the permission to say anything they want," says Susan Jordan, the mother of a son and daughter from Honduras. "They don’t imagine we would have feelings about it or that we would feel about our children the way they feel about their children."
Often, adoptive parents don’t know how to respond. Susan Caughman, publisher of Adoptive Families magazine, says the important thing to keep in mind is that the way you respond should be based on the situation, a lesson that is important to teach adoptive children as well.
"If the person asking is someone you really care about, you might explain it one way," Caughman says. "If you are being bothered by someone or don’t even know them, answer another way."
"If someone asks, ‘How much did she cost?’ you might say, ‘She’s priceless.’ Or you could say, ‘Would you like me to call you and tell you more about the process of adoption at another time?’"
Renee Lubowich says one of her favorite responses for adoptive parents is, "Why do you ask?"
"I think it gives the adoptive parent more time to think about how they want to respond," she says, "and it also asks the questioner to think about why the question is being asked."
It can be a burden for adoptive families to always feel they have to be educating the world, Lubowich says. "But for someone who is interested in adoption, you might say, ‘I’d be glad to talk with you sometime. Here in the supermarket doesn’t seem like the best place.’"
Lubowich says it’s important for non-adoptive families being addressed in public to set an example for their children. "My response is really for my child, not for the person asking the question or for me. It’s what I’m teaching my child about how to handle herself in the world."
(www.parenthood.com)
*** If anyone is wondering I have NOT been offended by any questions anyone has asked me to date. A few comments that have come up seem completely unnecessary, but I am trying to stay in the education mode before becoming frustrated. I have been pretty open with information about the process and I have not been offended by people who have asked about cost - generally people who seem genuinely interested. Feel free to keep asking questions, I want to prepare for the language now before I have to figure out how to answer when my little man is standing by my side.
I know I have said this before, but I am going to say it again. We have total respect, gratitude, and appreciation for Tamene's birthmother. In addition to holding his mother in a positive light, we will hold his culture, country, and birthfamily in a positive light as well. When he becomes "of age" he can discover for himself his opinions about his history and culture and our family's history and culture. Until then it is our job (our entire village) to ensure he understands that all of this is equal in our eyes, one is not better than the other.
As always thanks for reading!
