Let me start with a disclaimer: this post doesn't have anything to do with the act of adoption. This post is just about being grateful and realizing the blessings of great family and friends who help you through something like the process of adoption. I want to be clear, that adoption itself is not an "act of kindness" per se, it is a decision and a responsibility.
Random Acts of Kindness... Pass it on! If someone does something nice for me, I am grateful and want to express my gratitude in two ways. One to express my thanks; and two, to keep on giving and pass on that act of kindness.
Taking a moment to thank someone who has offered you thanks and kindness and to in return offer an act of kindness up to another; what a wonderful way to do our part to make the world a better place.
I want to take a moment to thank all those who have helped me and commit to my responsibility to "Pass it on".
On Adoption:
Thank you to everyone who has supported us in our decision to adopt. Thank you to those who have taken my numerous phone calls with endless information about this process, where the details don't even make sense. Thank you to those who wrote reference letters and helped to watch our children while we attended classes and participated in the home study. Thank you, thank you, to those who read this blog. Thanks to those who are "just doing their job" every day to make adoptions happen. Unbelievable gratitude and love to the birth family who has made the greatest, unselfish sacrifice of all.
On Career:
Thank you to all those who have acted as mentors. Thanks to all my "best friends" at work. Thank you to those who have have supported me in learning to be a leader. Thank you to those who have been teachers and bosses, and leaders and role models to help me move along in my career in such a successful way. Thank you to those who were willing to confront me in any given moment of madness to pull my heads out of the clouds and remind me what we are really doing. Thank you to those of you who have made Health Care a great place to work, who love their jobs and who know that it takes all of us to save a life!
On Family:
Thank you to those who have served as role models in demonstrating family-ness. Thank you to those who helped Trent and I learn about great communication and creating a successful relationship. Thank you to those who have guided us as parents. Thank you to those who support us as a family, who provide resources when they are needed.
On Womanhood:
Thank you to all my sisters who support me in simply "being a girl". Thanks you for those of you who have been there "just to talk". Thank you so much for those of you who have shared in raw and naked honesty the realities of womanhood, marriage, birth, and career. Thank you to those of you who have made and shared your trials, tribulations, and mistakes, so that I could learn from your experiences.
Thank you for allowing me take a moment to express my gratitude. I realize that I have been so very blessed in my life for my friends, my family, my career and all those opportunities that find their way to me every day. I hope that many more opportunities will find their way to me that will allow me to "Pass it On."
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Are we there yet? How about now?
My parents live in Eastern Wisconsin about 4-5 hours drive from the Twin Cities. Our kids are pretty used to the long drive as they get lots of practice. We bring along video games, DVDs, CDs, and a plethora of ridiculous games and songs stored in my brain from roads trips I took myself as a child.
I recall when Trenton and I were first married and our children were of the four-legged species. As we would approach the final turn to my parents, Trenton would rile the dogs, "We're there! We're there! Who wants to see Grandma and Grandpa?" The dogs would wake and turn circles in a most excited manner. I warned him though it might seem like a great plan with dogs, one day if, or when, we had children, he would not be allowed to demonstrate such antics.
We now have children of the two-legged species and there was no need for my worries about waking them... they don't go to sleep. "Are we there yet? What time will we be at Grandpa's? No, exactly what time, how many minutes? How many miles? Where are we now? Now are we there? This looks like Grandpa's , I think we are there."
What do you call that time between events, the time that you wait, but you are active? The activities don't change the outcome, you could skip that part and get the same outcome. It is not the means to an end, it is just gray matter. Or is it?
Thanks to my good friends at Dictionary.com I found the following definitions:
Waiting: To remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens
Expect : To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of, eager anticipation
Anticipate: to expect; look forward to; be sure of: to anticipate a favorable decision.
Avid: keenly desirous; eager
I can tell you I most certainly am not "waiting", there is nothing inactive about my state. But some combination of avidly expectant anticipation might describe my current mind set.
I don't get to ask my mom and dad if we are there yet, or how much farther, there is no map to follow. But I do have a few resources.
The agency we are working with sponsors a forum where many pre-adoptive parents and adoptive parents come to chat about where they are at in the process. They ask for advice, share set backs and news of referrals, and the stories of coming home with their beautiful new children. One common theme in the discussions happens to be around the wait. - How long have you been waiting? How long did you wait? How long do you think you might wait? - All this wondering doesn't change how long someone will wait, it might even make it feel longer, but I think it helps to feel informed and educated. The difference between knowing you will have to wait three years or six months is huge. There are many creative individuals who have tried to make the timing into a science and figure out the difference in days or weeks rather than months.
One parent started an "informal list" of waiting parents. You can e-mail and ask to be added to the list and they will help you to guess how long your wait might be. They look to see how long it takes for families to receive referrals of children of different ages. There are variances since there are more families waiting for infants than three-year-olds, more families waiting for girls than boys, and more families waiting for healthy children than those who will accept children with special needs. The informal list anticipates about 1/3-1/2 of waiting families with our agency ask to be put on this list. According to that list, we are #103 and we should have our referral by mid-October (just a reminder "referral" means that they have a "match", a child who meets our age, gender, health requirements) .
Another option for for my focused obsessing is a hotline provided by the agency. This is updated twice per month, the most recent update was April 15th. Here are the stats:
There are currently 241 waiting families with our agency in the Ethiopia program.
The breakdown is:
156 families are waiting for an infant age 0-12 months
23 families waiting for toddler age 0-18 months
17 families waiting for toddler age 0-24 months
11 families waiting for toddler age 0-36 months
6 families waiting for toddlers age 0-48 months
9 families waiting for sibling up to 3 years old
9 families waiting for siblings up to 4 yrs old
11 families waiting for siblings up to 5 yrs
2 families waiting for siblings up to 8 yrs
We are either in the group with 6 families waiting for 0-48 months or the 9 families waiting for siblings up to 4 years old. Also, the numbers don't add up so either there are more families waiting, or one of the lists overstates the number waiting. - And all that said, those numbers are before we even submitted our paperwork. I am hopeful that many people received referrals that week or not a lot of new families turned in paperwork. Wishful thinking, can you blame me?
That was a lot of detail, so I'll spare you my additional fixations around combing blogs for dates, and doing my own calculations on the wait lists.
Is it gray matter, this waiting time? I think it will be sometimes, but so far in the process I have met a lot of people, and I have learned a lot. Granted we have only been "officially waiting" five days, but we have been on this journey for over five months now. As I mentioned before in the same way pregnancy prepares you for an infant, so does this process begin to give me the tools and education to enjoy our adoption journey.
The final piece of information about the wait is that the courts in Ethiopia close during August and September. Well not exactly, and apparently not every year on the same date. The dates change, its a guessing game. The agency does their best to predict and plan referrals accordingly. We understand that if we do not receive a referral by June 15th, then the next possible chance for a referral isn't until September. But, the unofficial lists says I won't hear anything until mid-October, so I that just gives me more time to practice patience... waiting contentedly... contentment of avidly expectant anticipation... I definitely need more work on patience.
I recall when Trenton and I were first married and our children were of the four-legged species. As we would approach the final turn to my parents, Trenton would rile the dogs, "We're there! We're there! Who wants to see Grandma and Grandpa?" The dogs would wake and turn circles in a most excited manner. I warned him though it might seem like a great plan with dogs, one day if, or when, we had children, he would not be allowed to demonstrate such antics.
We now have children of the two-legged species and there was no need for my worries about waking them... they don't go to sleep. "Are we there yet? What time will we be at Grandpa's? No, exactly what time, how many minutes? How many miles? Where are we now? Now are we there? This looks like Grandpa's , I think we are there."
What do you call that time between events, the time that you wait, but you are active? The activities don't change the outcome, you could skip that part and get the same outcome. It is not the means to an end, it is just gray matter. Or is it?
Thanks to my good friends at Dictionary.com I found the following definitions:
Waiting: To remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens
Expect : To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of, eager anticipation
Anticipate: to expect; look forward to; be sure of: to anticipate a favorable decision.
Avid: keenly desirous; eager
I can tell you I most certainly am not "waiting", there is nothing inactive about my state. But some combination of avidly expectant anticipation might describe my current mind set.
I don't get to ask my mom and dad if we are there yet, or how much farther, there is no map to follow. But I do have a few resources.
The agency we are working with sponsors a forum where many pre-adoptive parents and adoptive parents come to chat about where they are at in the process. They ask for advice, share set backs and news of referrals, and the stories of coming home with their beautiful new children. One common theme in the discussions happens to be around the wait. - How long have you been waiting? How long did you wait? How long do you think you might wait? - All this wondering doesn't change how long someone will wait, it might even make it feel longer, but I think it helps to feel informed and educated. The difference between knowing you will have to wait three years or six months is huge. There are many creative individuals who have tried to make the timing into a science and figure out the difference in days or weeks rather than months.
One parent started an "informal list" of waiting parents. You can e-mail and ask to be added to the list and they will help you to guess how long your wait might be. They look to see how long it takes for families to receive referrals of children of different ages. There are variances since there are more families waiting for infants than three-year-olds, more families waiting for girls than boys, and more families waiting for healthy children than those who will accept children with special needs. The informal list anticipates about 1/3-1/2 of waiting families with our agency ask to be put on this list. According to that list, we are #103 and we should have our referral by mid-October (just a reminder "referral" means that they have a "match", a child who meets our age, gender, health requirements) .
Another option for for my focused obsessing is a hotline provided by the agency. This is updated twice per month, the most recent update was April 15th. Here are the stats:
There are currently 241 waiting families with our agency in the Ethiopia program.
The breakdown is:
156 families are waiting for an infant age 0-12 months
23 families waiting for toddler age 0-18 months
17 families waiting for toddler age 0-24 months
11 families waiting for toddler age 0-36 months
6 families waiting for toddlers age 0-48 months
9 families waiting for sibling up to 3 years old
9 families waiting for siblings up to 4 yrs old
11 families waiting for siblings up to 5 yrs
2 families waiting for siblings up to 8 yrs
We are either in the group with 6 families waiting for 0-48 months or the 9 families waiting for siblings up to 4 years old. Also, the numbers don't add up so either there are more families waiting, or one of the lists overstates the number waiting. - And all that said, those numbers are before we even submitted our paperwork. I am hopeful that many people received referrals that week or not a lot of new families turned in paperwork. Wishful thinking, can you blame me?
That was a lot of detail, so I'll spare you my additional fixations around combing blogs for dates, and doing my own calculations on the wait lists.
Is it gray matter, this waiting time? I think it will be sometimes, but so far in the process I have met a lot of people, and I have learned a lot. Granted we have only been "officially waiting" five days, but we have been on this journey for over five months now. As I mentioned before in the same way pregnancy prepares you for an infant, so does this process begin to give me the tools and education to enjoy our adoption journey.
The final piece of information about the wait is that the courts in Ethiopia close during August and September. Well not exactly, and apparently not every year on the same date. The dates change, its a guessing game. The agency does their best to predict and plan referrals accordingly. We understand that if we do not receive a referral by June 15th, then the next possible chance for a referral isn't until September. But, the unofficial lists says I won't hear anything until mid-October, so I that just gives me more time to practice patience... waiting contentedly... contentment of avidly expectant anticipation... I definitely need more work on patience.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear...
It's only fair that I warn you that I am ill today. What appeared to be a simple head cold appears to be rearing it's ugly head as a possible case of strep. I'll head off to urgent care in the morning for an official diagnosis. In the mean time I am on a concoction of medications that are barely taking the edge off the pain, but making me more than a little fuzzy in my thinking, which should make it interesting for you (the reader).
The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, Reticular Activating System, Saliency, Zeitgeist, Recency Effect, Coincidence... I suppose any one of these terms might describe what I am about to address. But I think that the Baider-Meinhof Phenomenon has a description that hits the nail on the head. (If is wasn't for other great blessings like my husband, my children, my parents, etc... I would thank God for Google and Wiki... where else would I come up with this kind of information!)
What is the Baader-Meinhof Penomenon? Well I am so glad you asked. Per my village of Wiki friends: The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon occurs when a person, after having learned some (usually obscure) fact, word, phrase, or other item for the first time, encounters that item again, perhaps several times, shortly after having learned it.
The "Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon" was unintentionally coined by readers of the St. Paul Pioneer Press. The Minnesota newspaper runs a daily column called "Bulletin Board," in which readers submit humorous or interesting anecdotes. The term was essentially coined when a reader first submitted a story about how he or she, presumably well read, first heard about the Baader-Meinhof Gang and then heard about it again a short while later from a totally different source. Readers suddenly piled on with their own versions the phenomenon, which quickly came to be known as the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon. Today, all similar stories are published in Bulletin Board under the heading "Baader Meinhof Phenomenon."
So that definition is a little long, but not only am I mesmerized by the concept, but the phenomenon was coined right here in the Twin Cities!!!
The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon is something that I have thought about frequently - well I didn't know that's what it was called. But think about it... remember when you first bought your car and you noticed that what seemed like 25% of the cars out there were the exact same, make, model and color as yours. And if you are pregnant, doesn't it seem everyone around you is pregnant - I guess that works in reverse too... if you can't have a child, everyone is pregnant, if you can't afford a Porche, everyone is driving one. If your wife won't let you own a Boxer dog, everyone else has one. Badder-Meinhof Phonemenon (a.k.a BMP, I think the abbreviation is like BuMP, like a quick bump or thump to remind your brain of that thing again) is all over the place in my life since the start of this adoption process.
I had no idea how many people have adopted. I had no clue that many, many people have biological children and then adopt. I didn't know so many people in my "community" were adopting from, or have ties to, Ethiopia. But it seems like it is everywhere. And every where I turn it seems that someone knows someone who is working with the same adoption agency we are. It really is a small world, isn't it?
BuMP has brought to awareness the number of adoptive, or waiting to adopt mothers who ponder at length on the grief related to adoption. As I have mentioned in previous blogs it is hard to think about the fact that there is so much sadness attached to what it also so full of joy. It all depends on your perspective, or what filter you look through; those rose colored glasses sure are nice, but sometimes they just don't work.
I have read several blogs over the last few days and weeks, with mothers or those waiting to be mothers, who worry about their soon-to-be child as they say good-bye to their birth family. I keep seeing that over and over, the sadness, the worry, the concern. It seems like it is everywhere, BuMP.
Patience too has also BuMPed me lately. Since I have decided that I need to learn to wait "contentedly" I see opportunities everywhere and I am reminded numerous times every day to wait and be in waiting contently - BuMP.
I recently had a negative experience in my life for which I should have been angry. I should have been very upset with someone who seemed to go out of their way to make a difficult situation for me. But I wasn't angry. I didn't have to be. My friends and family who love me so much were angry for me. I was able to continue my daily activities rather than being distracted by sadness and anger because by husband was angry for me, my colleagues were angry for me, and my friends were angry for me. I am so grateful and blesses to have such great people around me!
I wonder if all of us waiting mothers, if all of our grief helps to relieve the grief of our future children. I will carry the grief, contentedly, so that maybe, just maybe, a little less grief will be carried by these children. To the waiting mom's everywhere, thank you. Thank you for your grieving, we carry it so maybe our children won't have to.
The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, Reticular Activating System, Saliency, Zeitgeist, Recency Effect, Coincidence... I suppose any one of these terms might describe what I am about to address. But I think that the Baider-Meinhof Phenomenon has a description that hits the nail on the head. (If is wasn't for other great blessings like my husband, my children, my parents, etc... I would thank God for Google and Wiki... where else would I come up with this kind of information!)
What is the Baader-Meinhof Penomenon? Well I am so glad you asked. Per my village of Wiki friends: The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon occurs when a person, after having learned some (usually obscure) fact, word, phrase, or other item for the first time, encounters that item again, perhaps several times, shortly after having learned it.
The "Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon" was unintentionally coined by readers of the St. Paul Pioneer Press. The Minnesota newspaper runs a daily column called "Bulletin Board," in which readers submit humorous or interesting anecdotes. The term was essentially coined when a reader first submitted a story about how he or she, presumably well read, first heard about the Baader-Meinhof Gang and then heard about it again a short while later from a totally different source. Readers suddenly piled on with their own versions the phenomenon, which quickly came to be known as the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon. Today, all similar stories are published in Bulletin Board under the heading "Baader Meinhof Phenomenon."
So that definition is a little long, but not only am I mesmerized by the concept, but the phenomenon was coined right here in the Twin Cities!!!
The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon is something that I have thought about frequently - well I didn't know that's what it was called. But think about it... remember when you first bought your car and you noticed that what seemed like 25% of the cars out there were the exact same, make, model and color as yours. And if you are pregnant, doesn't it seem everyone around you is pregnant - I guess that works in reverse too... if you can't have a child, everyone is pregnant, if you can't afford a Porche, everyone is driving one. If your wife won't let you own a Boxer dog, everyone else has one. Badder-Meinhof Phonemenon (a.k.a BMP, I think the abbreviation is like BuMP, like a quick bump or thump to remind your brain of that thing again) is all over the place in my life since the start of this adoption process.
I had no idea how many people have adopted. I had no clue that many, many people have biological children and then adopt. I didn't know so many people in my "community" were adopting from, or have ties to, Ethiopia. But it seems like it is everywhere. And every where I turn it seems that someone knows someone who is working with the same adoption agency we are. It really is a small world, isn't it?
BuMP has brought to awareness the number of adoptive, or waiting to adopt mothers who ponder at length on the grief related to adoption. As I have mentioned in previous blogs it is hard to think about the fact that there is so much sadness attached to what it also so full of joy. It all depends on your perspective, or what filter you look through; those rose colored glasses sure are nice, but sometimes they just don't work.
I have read several blogs over the last few days and weeks, with mothers or those waiting to be mothers, who worry about their soon-to-be child as they say good-bye to their birth family. I keep seeing that over and over, the sadness, the worry, the concern. It seems like it is everywhere, BuMP.
Patience too has also BuMPed me lately. Since I have decided that I need to learn to wait "contentedly" I see opportunities everywhere and I am reminded numerous times every day to wait and be in waiting contently - BuMP.
I recently had a negative experience in my life for which I should have been angry. I should have been very upset with someone who seemed to go out of their way to make a difficult situation for me. But I wasn't angry. I didn't have to be. My friends and family who love me so much were angry for me. I was able to continue my daily activities rather than being distracted by sadness and anger because by husband was angry for me, my colleagues were angry for me, and my friends were angry for me. I am so grateful and blesses to have such great people around me!
I wonder if all of us waiting mothers, if all of our grief helps to relieve the grief of our future children. I will carry the grief, contentedly, so that maybe, just maybe, a little less grief will be carried by these children. To the waiting mom's everywhere, thank you. Thank you for your grieving, we carry it so maybe our children won't have to.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
In the hand of God
In traveling, I have have come across landmarks and historical sights, those places marked with a special tribute, statue, or other monument that describes what important thing happened right here. In those moments I find myself crashing between the past, present, and future - right here in this very spot is where Paul Revere grew up, and this is where the Bunker Hill Battle took place. I wonder what is was like before that event happened, what was it like during the event and I wonder if they had any idea what that moment would mean to the future.
Trenton and I have been working to gather all the documents for our dossier for Ethiopia, all the legal documents required by Ethiopia. Today they were finally all together, all of those documents bundled in a neat little package. Who knew you could become so emotionally attached to paper! I can't tell you how many times I double, triple and quadruple checked the list of required documents. Trenton took the package to work one day and forgot to bring it home - my stomach felt like he had forgotten to pick up the children from daycare, ok, I am exaggerating, but you get the point. So, today was the big day. That pack of paper had to be delivered to our agency - copies of our birth certificates, and marriage license, medical and financial documents, reference letters and so on (yes I have the list memorized, but I will spare you the pain). If I haven't mentioned it there are some "negligible fees" required when adopting a child, those money orders and checks were also accounted for repeatedly. Each piece of paper lined up like a brigade of military soldiers. All in a row, all accounted for, neatly in a line, and ready for duty.
I got in the car with my beloved pack of papers, and two cloned packs for back up, just in case. My pack of papers and me, we got in the car and we travel to the mecca, the agency. Upon arrival at the agency the nice young man behind the counter ensured me that he would get my documents to my "Country Specialist". Seriously, would you take your child and drop him off with the receptionist when you really want him to see the doctor? "Oh, no'" I reassured him, "I will wait for my specialist." He tried again to encourage me to leave the documents with him, but I insisted that I would only leave the papers with someone I knew. I recommended he find my social worker, I said I would be happy to leave the papers with her. He must deal with people like me on a regular basis, he didn't blink but proceeded to page my social worker. I was so happy to see her. "Can you take my dossier?" She took it, and now we wait.
The papers are like the landmark or historical site. The papers don't mark a place, but they do mark a point in time. Today I wonder where my child is. Before the papers, before we decided to start this journey, I wonder what journey my child is on and where our paths will meet. When will our journey into the future begin.
Based on time estimates for families waiting for children from Ethiopia and the fact that we are open to adopting a child up to the age of 4 or 5, it seems very very likely that our child is presently sharing this small planet with us today. He is on his own journey and he is going to experience the wonderful experience of being with his family, learning his culture, learning who he is. He is partaking in his culture and learning to be proud of who he is and where he came from.
But soon, too soon by any definition, circumstances in her life will change. My heart is so incredibly sad that my child is about to experience loss. Neither I, nor her birth family, all of the people that want to love and support her, can protect her from the pain she is about to experience. In trying to provide the best for her, we will thrust this painful experience upon her.
Such a brave little soul, may she rest in the hand of God.
Trenton and I have been working to gather all the documents for our dossier for Ethiopia, all the legal documents required by Ethiopia. Today they were finally all together, all of those documents bundled in a neat little package. Who knew you could become so emotionally attached to paper! I can't tell you how many times I double, triple and quadruple checked the list of required documents. Trenton took the package to work one day and forgot to bring it home - my stomach felt like he had forgotten to pick up the children from daycare, ok, I am exaggerating, but you get the point. So, today was the big day. That pack of paper had to be delivered to our agency - copies of our birth certificates, and marriage license, medical and financial documents, reference letters and so on (yes I have the list memorized, but I will spare you the pain). If I haven't mentioned it there are some "negligible fees" required when adopting a child, those money orders and checks were also accounted for repeatedly. Each piece of paper lined up like a brigade of military soldiers. All in a row, all accounted for, neatly in a line, and ready for duty.
I got in the car with my beloved pack of papers, and two cloned packs for back up, just in case. My pack of papers and me, we got in the car and we travel to the mecca, the agency. Upon arrival at the agency the nice young man behind the counter ensured me that he would get my documents to my "Country Specialist". Seriously, would you take your child and drop him off with the receptionist when you really want him to see the doctor? "Oh, no'" I reassured him, "I will wait for my specialist." He tried again to encourage me to leave the documents with him, but I insisted that I would only leave the papers with someone I knew. I recommended he find my social worker, I said I would be happy to leave the papers with her. He must deal with people like me on a regular basis, he didn't blink but proceeded to page my social worker. I was so happy to see her. "Can you take my dossier?" She took it, and now we wait.
The papers are like the landmark or historical site. The papers don't mark a place, but they do mark a point in time. Today I wonder where my child is. Before the papers, before we decided to start this journey, I wonder what journey my child is on and where our paths will meet. When will our journey into the future begin.
Based on time estimates for families waiting for children from Ethiopia and the fact that we are open to adopting a child up to the age of 4 or 5, it seems very very likely that our child is presently sharing this small planet with us today. He is on his own journey and he is going to experience the wonderful experience of being with his family, learning his culture, learning who he is. He is partaking in his culture and learning to be proud of who he is and where he came from.
But soon, too soon by any definition, circumstances in her life will change. My heart is so incredibly sad that my child is about to experience loss. Neither I, nor her birth family, all of the people that want to love and support her, can protect her from the pain she is about to experience. In trying to provide the best for her, we will thrust this painful experience upon her.
Such a brave little soul, may she rest in the hand of God.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Waiting to exhale
Just when it seems like I should be able to breathe a sigh of relief, I can't.
The final portion of the home study took place today. Our social worker came to our home this fine rainy spring evening. She took out her white glove and checked behind the refrigerator, she questioned the children at length, and even checked our cupboards to ensure we stocked enough of the appropriate kinds of food. NO! No she didn't. She came in and sat down, like a friend. We gave her a brief tour of the house - and let me take a moment to literally thank God she wasn't required to check our closets! - She met the kids and talked to them about adoption and asked them if they had any questions. It was nice, it was relaxed.
While she talked to the kids she mentioned that our family might get one sibling or two. Naven reported that, "Twins means they are in the belly at the same time." He proceeded to explain that Eric and Aaron are twins at his school and Eric came out first. We were surprised by this detailed report and accurate definition, and he was extremely proud that he had made this announcement.
There were, of course, a few more papers to sign: we understand there may be a wait outside of the control of anyone, we understand there are risks, we understand that there may be unidentified medical conditions or learning disabilities, etc, etc, etc. All important, but seemingly obvious at this point. I guess the most interesting phenomenon is that fact that there hasn't been a single piece of paper I have signed without reading thoroughly, once even twice before signing.
So that's that. The home study is done. We are now officially approved to raise a child. Well, not any child, specifically a child from Ethiopia ages 0-5, boy or girl, siblings or single child. Other countries, other ages, will require additional approval.
So, now we wait. How long will we wait? Well, I can tell you it is not as clear cut as the 40 weeks I waited for the last two amazing deliveries. The good news, there is no panic if you only wait 32 weeks. There is no bed rest required (or allowed as far as I can tell.) The bad news, there is something like 24 hours of labor, I mean flight, required. There is no answer to the question of time. We wait. I wait. Maybe only days, maybe weeks, or months, maybe a year... not likely years though, but you never know... people are waiting years for children from China.
In practicing patience, I will wait contentedly. I will enjoy the time I have with my family in its current state. We know we have a change coming, but the change isn't to fix something that's broken, it just to make what's already great, even better. I know the the exhale is imminent.
The final portion of the home study took place today. Our social worker came to our home this fine rainy spring evening. She took out her white glove and checked behind the refrigerator, she questioned the children at length, and even checked our cupboards to ensure we stocked enough of the appropriate kinds of food. NO! No she didn't. She came in and sat down, like a friend. We gave her a brief tour of the house - and let me take a moment to literally thank God she wasn't required to check our closets! - She met the kids and talked to them about adoption and asked them if they had any questions. It was nice, it was relaxed.
While she talked to the kids she mentioned that our family might get one sibling or two. Naven reported that, "Twins means they are in the belly at the same time." He proceeded to explain that Eric and Aaron are twins at his school and Eric came out first. We were surprised by this detailed report and accurate definition, and he was extremely proud that he had made this announcement.
There were, of course, a few more papers to sign: we understand there may be a wait outside of the control of anyone, we understand there are risks, we understand that there may be unidentified medical conditions or learning disabilities, etc, etc, etc. All important, but seemingly obvious at this point. I guess the most interesting phenomenon is that fact that there hasn't been a single piece of paper I have signed without reading thoroughly, once even twice before signing.
So that's that. The home study is done. We are now officially approved to raise a child. Well, not any child, specifically a child from Ethiopia ages 0-5, boy or girl, siblings or single child. Other countries, other ages, will require additional approval.
So, now we wait. How long will we wait? Well, I can tell you it is not as clear cut as the 40 weeks I waited for the last two amazing deliveries. The good news, there is no panic if you only wait 32 weeks. There is no bed rest required (or allowed as far as I can tell.) The bad news, there is something like 24 hours of labor, I mean flight, required. There is no answer to the question of time. We wait. I wait. Maybe only days, maybe weeks, or months, maybe a year... not likely years though, but you never know... people are waiting years for children from China.
In practicing patience, I will wait contentedly. I will enjoy the time I have with my family in its current state. We know we have a change coming, but the change isn't to fix something that's broken, it just to make what's already great, even better. I know the the exhale is imminent.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Out of the mouth of babes
I've been talking at length with Angelisa and Naven about the arrival of a new brother or sister. Or brother and sister, or brother and brother, or sister and sister. Angelisa wants a sister. Naven wants a brother. Big surprise, I know.
And when I say, "talking at length", it's not like a five year-old can really talk at length about much of anything. Though, I've seen Naven attempt to engage my dad in "lengthy" conversations about how to, "get to level two on the Lego game on the DS". The humor in this is that my dad can rarely understand the chatter that comes out of Naven's mouth. Naven speaks a mile a minute about something as exciting as the DS game. I frequently have to grab the phone from Naven and do a speedy interpretation for my dad, and get the phone back to Naven before he feels the need to start the story from the beginning.
Angelisa on the other hand, can definitely be engaged in "lengthy conversation". She answers my endless questions, well until she is done answering questions. I ask her, "What will it be like to have a new family member? What will you want to play? What will you do with your new sister. Do you understand that she or he might be a baby or might be bigger and able to walk? Do you know that this child will be a diferent color than we are? How will you explain having a sibling that looks different than you?" Then I proceed to ask her, "What are the most fun things we do in our family?" "How do you know I love you?" "How will the new sibling know we love her?"... Poor Angelisa, she converses and fires off answers until she must tell me she cannot talk any more.
Both kids answer with such thought and insight, it does explain why I am soooo proud to be their mamma! Most days Naven says he wants to hold the baby and kiss the baby. Other days he says he wants someone who is big enough to ride bikes and play with him. He wants the baby to come soon. "Mom, when will the baby come?" We recently moved bedrooms around in preparation for expanding our family. A queen size bed ended up in "the baby's room". Naven came out and announced with great concern and reprimand that, "A baby can't sleep in that bed, he will fall out and get hurt!" I reassured him that it was only temporary and I reminded him that we still have a crib and that I promised we would find the baby a safe place to sleep. I should mention that several weeks ago Naven announced that the ideal place for the baby to sleep would be in the bathroom... we've come a long way!
Angelisa has been so thoughtful about how it will be different to have a new sibling and how the age will have an impact and how gender and ethnicity will come into play. One night, just a couple weeks after we decided to adopt, we were out eating pizza. There was a 2 year-old little girl throwing a huge tantrum. In an effort to ensure that my children understood that we might not get an infant, but possibly a toddler, I pointed out that we might get a child "like her". Angelisa clarified that our child would be "more brown" than the light skinned girl throwing the tantrum. We found humor in her accurate observation.
Tonight, again, Naven whined wanting to know when the new sibling will come. I told him I didn't know but that I promised to tell him as soon as I had that information. He wanted to name his new brother, "Mom can we name him Brett, with two Ts?" I told him that was a great name, and I was glad he was thinking about these things. Then, I explained that the new brother or sister would probably already have a name. He demanded to know what the name is. I reassured him again, that I would tell him as soon as I knew.
I can't imagine what this experience is like for a 5 year-old or an 8 year-old. I vaguely remember, Christmas, birthdays, or planned travel at these young ages when "this afternoon" seemed like forever to wait for something. And waiting until tomorrow, or next week, may as well have been an eternity. For Naven, I just tell him, "not tomorrow, or the next day, it will be a long time." For Angelisa, I tell her, "Probably not until after you turn 9, but maybe before that" (she turns 9 in 12/2008).
And when I say, "talking at length", it's not like a five year-old can really talk at length about much of anything. Though, I've seen Naven attempt to engage my dad in "lengthy" conversations about how to, "get to level two on the Lego game on the DS". The humor in this is that my dad can rarely understand the chatter that comes out of Naven's mouth. Naven speaks a mile a minute about something as exciting as the DS game. I frequently have to grab the phone from Naven and do a speedy interpretation for my dad, and get the phone back to Naven before he feels the need to start the story from the beginning.
Angelisa on the other hand, can definitely be engaged in "lengthy conversation". She answers my endless questions, well until she is done answering questions. I ask her, "What will it be like to have a new family member? What will you want to play? What will you do with your new sister. Do you understand that she or he might be a baby or might be bigger and able to walk? Do you know that this child will be a diferent color than we are? How will you explain having a sibling that looks different than you?" Then I proceed to ask her, "What are the most fun things we do in our family?" "How do you know I love you?" "How will the new sibling know we love her?"... Poor Angelisa, she converses and fires off answers until she must tell me she cannot talk any more.
Both kids answer with such thought and insight, it does explain why I am soooo proud to be their mamma! Most days Naven says he wants to hold the baby and kiss the baby. Other days he says he wants someone who is big enough to ride bikes and play with him. He wants the baby to come soon. "Mom, when will the baby come?" We recently moved bedrooms around in preparation for expanding our family. A queen size bed ended up in "the baby's room". Naven came out and announced with great concern and reprimand that, "A baby can't sleep in that bed, he will fall out and get hurt!" I reassured him that it was only temporary and I reminded him that we still have a crib and that I promised we would find the baby a safe place to sleep. I should mention that several weeks ago Naven announced that the ideal place for the baby to sleep would be in the bathroom... we've come a long way!
Angelisa has been so thoughtful about how it will be different to have a new sibling and how the age will have an impact and how gender and ethnicity will come into play. One night, just a couple weeks after we decided to adopt, we were out eating pizza. There was a 2 year-old little girl throwing a huge tantrum. In an effort to ensure that my children understood that we might not get an infant, but possibly a toddler, I pointed out that we might get a child "like her". Angelisa clarified that our child would be "more brown" than the light skinned girl throwing the tantrum. We found humor in her accurate observation.
Tonight, again, Naven whined wanting to know when the new sibling will come. I told him I didn't know but that I promised to tell him as soon as I had that information. He wanted to name his new brother, "Mom can we name him Brett, with two Ts?" I told him that was a great name, and I was glad he was thinking about these things. Then, I explained that the new brother or sister would probably already have a name. He demanded to know what the name is. I reassured him again, that I would tell him as soon as I knew.
I can't imagine what this experience is like for a 5 year-old or an 8 year-old. I vaguely remember, Christmas, birthdays, or planned travel at these young ages when "this afternoon" seemed like forever to wait for something. And waiting until tomorrow, or next week, may as well have been an eternity. For Naven, I just tell him, "not tomorrow, or the next day, it will be a long time." For Angelisa, I tell her, "Probably not until after you turn 9, but maybe before that" (she turns 9 in 12/2008).
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Patience is a virtue
Patience. Patience is a virtue that I could use a little more work on. Well, actually in looking up the word "virtue" and the "biblical virtues" I guess all of my virtues could use a little work. From my perspective, virtues come on a continuum. I suspect they always need work, we never "arrive". That's what makes life a journey. Specifically, on patience, which is the act or power of calmly or contentedly waiting for something due or hoped for (dictionary.com), I need some work. I guess the piece that strikes me in the definition is contentedly waiting. Contentedly, CONtenedly, conTENtedly, contentedLY, contenTEDly. No matter how you say it, it doesn't make sense to me. I am supposed to be content in waiting? Why would I actually want something if I were equally content to wait for it? "Oh, no sir, I don't want you to give me that winning lottery ticket, I am pleased as pie to sit here and wait to get a million dollars." Doesn't content mean you don't want anything else, you are happy with where you are? I am confused. Calmly, I understand the word calmly, and by the definition I can wait calmly or contentedly. I choose calmly.
So, here I am patiently waiting by staying calm.
I promise to continue practicing patience, and working on improving that virtue. It's good for me to learn more about this virtue, a growth opportunity has presented itself. I hope others will be patient with me, with us, too.
As we move forward in this adoption it feels more and more as though in a few short (or long) months we will have a toddler in our home. And this is where patience will come in for all of us. A toddler, a child who already has established behaviors and is developing an emerging personality, is going to join our family. A child, who we pray, will be able to have patience with us while we have patience with him.
Parenting a child who was adopted in the toddler years has some special requirements and many of those are outlined in the book "Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft" by Mary Hopkins-Best, she concludes her book with the following, "People who adopt are entitled to parent their children through law and through love. We are not perfect parents, but we are the right parents for our children. We can never convince everyone we meet that toddler adoption is a first rate route to parenthood, but what we believe in our hearts is more important that what others believe." She goes on to say, "Little by little, new toddlers become an integral part of the family. One day their parents wake up and realize that they can't imagine their lives without their new son or daughter. Then they know that love has grown, and that the tapestry of their lives is forever changed."
It is obvious to state that every situation is different, but as a starting point I think it is reasonable to expect that a child who has learned and integrated into a previous environment for 2-3 years would require an equal amount of time to integrate into a new environment. Not that these things can be put on a timeline, but just for my own sanity, I want to monitor progress. I want to make sure we are building healthy relationships. So, if our daughter is 3 when she arrives, we can expect, at a minimum that she will need at least another 3 years to acclimate to us (and us to her), and that we may still be working on some basic attachment issues when she reaches the age of 6... not that it ends there. All of her experiences, positive and negative, will be with her for her entire life. The take-away here is that we anticipate a different experience with a toddler than with the adoption of a 2 or 3 month old infant.
The parenting preparation being provided by God seems oddly familiar. Didn't I wake up to empty my bladder every hour, on the hour, all night for the final nights before the birth of my first two children? Ahh, and isn't there an incredible amount of patience and faith required in getting through the adoption process? It would be nice to know that at the end of 40 weeks, I'll have that tiny little package in my arms... but there isn't a timeline here, just faith. Blind faith and patience.
As I conclude this blog entry, I acknowledge that I will have to learn to be CONTENTEDLY patient. This new child may come to our family and require me to be contentedly patient. I will learn to wait contentedly for him to grow into the man he will be. I will let him decide the pace and the outcome and I will wait patiently, contentedly, so that I can enjoy every moment given to me to spend with this child. To spend with each of my children!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I know what's mine!
Privacy: The state of being free from unsanctioned intrusion: a person's right to privacy. (dictionary.com)
Some parts of our lives are private. They belong to us, and we don't want to share. Sometimes what we want to keep private is a thought or journal, a quote, or a cherished memory. We want to keep it private because it holds a special meaning that cannot be communicated through words. There is emotion attached that simply cannot be described. Maybe it is that place that we go to in our mind in times of stress or rest or that place that exists that you go to in your mind that helps you drift off to sleep. There really isn't a way to describe that place, and if you did you know you could not describe the beauty or meaning in a way that does that place the justice it deserves. It provides you with solace and comfort and you owe gratitude to that place, it is yours and yours alone.
For a child who was adopted, the birth story and adoption story deserve that same honor and observance as those precious personal accounts. There are many details that cannot be understood by others, there are no words that describe the emotion that surrounds the story. There are elements of the story that belong only to the child and are received by the child only as she is ready to hear them. As his parent, we are commissioned to care for and protect that story. I don't know that story yet, I don' know the circumstances that will bring our child into our lives. I imagine protecting this story has many similarities to the way I sheltered my children growing inside my body, I would use the same devotion to protect the birth story of this child as she joins and grows in her new family.
The reserve is not due to secrets or shame. There is no intent to create a mystery. But respect, honor, and dignity are due to the birth family and our child. As she grows she will learn the details of her story and she will decide what to share. She will decide what she wants others to know. He will decide the emotion and intentions that go with the story, it is his story. Until she is ready to take full custody of the story, to take what is hers and hers alone, I will be the guardian of that story.
Some parts of our lives are private. They belong to us, and we don't want to share. Sometimes what we want to keep private is a thought or journal, a quote, or a cherished memory. We want to keep it private because it holds a special meaning that cannot be communicated through words. There is emotion attached that simply cannot be described. Maybe it is that place that we go to in our mind in times of stress or rest or that place that exists that you go to in your mind that helps you drift off to sleep. There really isn't a way to describe that place, and if you did you know you could not describe the beauty or meaning in a way that does that place the justice it deserves. It provides you with solace and comfort and you owe gratitude to that place, it is yours and yours alone.
For a child who was adopted, the birth story and adoption story deserve that same honor and observance as those precious personal accounts. There are many details that cannot be understood by others, there are no words that describe the emotion that surrounds the story. There are elements of the story that belong only to the child and are received by the child only as she is ready to hear them. As his parent, we are commissioned to care for and protect that story. I don't know that story yet, I don' know the circumstances that will bring our child into our lives. I imagine protecting this story has many similarities to the way I sheltered my children growing inside my body, I would use the same devotion to protect the birth story of this child as she joins and grows in her new family.
The reserve is not due to secrets or shame. There is no intent to create a mystery. But respect, honor, and dignity are due to the birth family and our child. As she grows she will learn the details of her story and she will decide what to share. She will decide what she wants others to know. He will decide the emotion and intentions that go with the story, it is his story. Until she is ready to take full custody of the story, to take what is hers and hers alone, I will be the guardian of that story.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Where do babies come from?
Since Trenton and I have agreed that we are open to adopting a child age four or under, and the wait list for Ethiopia is currently 6-9 months for an infant, we are hopeful that we will have a child before the end of the year. But we understand and accept that it may not be until next year and that is fine.
Since January or February, I have been thinking about the fact that my child is out there, he or she may be conceived or may be playing, or sleeping, or laughing or crying... well or throwing a tantrum somewhere out there. It is very likely someone out there is watching over my future child at this very moment.
If I close my eyes I can hear a child laughing or crying and it makes my heart heavy knowing that I don't get to know yet. I don't know what he looks like, I don't know her smile, I don't know his cry, I don't know her smell... but I want to. I desperately want to. And the more I think about it the more I want it.
Somewhere there is a birth family who knows this child and who loves this child. Someone loves this child enough to want the very best future for her. Someone who loves her is saying good-bye or is going to have to say good-bye soon. I wonder if they know. In Ethiopia there are several health and economic issues that make it impossible for a child to stay with their birth family. It doesn't mean that someone didn't want them or didn't love them. The situation is that someone loved them enough, and they were selfless enough, to make sure this child had their basic needs met. A situation many of us cannot even fathom, nor would we want to.
I want to say how much I love these people who are caring for my child, how grateful I am. A birth mother who carried the baby those long hard months, maybe knowing she would not have the means to care for this child, but hoping she would. She may be ill, or hungry, or poor, but she loves her child. How devastating to know that you cannot provide the basic needs, sometimes love just isn't enough... but you have to wish it was. Somewhere there is an aunt, cousin, brother, father, grandmother, and they are holding the child and playing and laughing and sometimes crying because they are a family and that's what families do. The child loves them and they love the child.
Trenton and I may have the honor and privilege of meeting the birth family of our child. Apparently that happens often with Ethiopian adoptions. I hope, for my child's story and future, that I do get to meet some of his family. Then I can tell him how much they said they loved him.
Since January or February, I have been thinking about the fact that my child is out there, he or she may be conceived or may be playing, or sleeping, or laughing or crying... well or throwing a tantrum somewhere out there. It is very likely someone out there is watching over my future child at this very moment.
If I close my eyes I can hear a child laughing or crying and it makes my heart heavy knowing that I don't get to know yet. I don't know what he looks like, I don't know her smile, I don't know his cry, I don't know her smell... but I want to. I desperately want to. And the more I think about it the more I want it.
Somewhere there is a birth family who knows this child and who loves this child. Someone loves this child enough to want the very best future for her. Someone who loves her is saying good-bye or is going to have to say good-bye soon. I wonder if they know. In Ethiopia there are several health and economic issues that make it impossible for a child to stay with their birth family. It doesn't mean that someone didn't want them or didn't love them. The situation is that someone loved them enough, and they were selfless enough, to make sure this child had their basic needs met. A situation many of us cannot even fathom, nor would we want to.
I want to say how much I love these people who are caring for my child, how grateful I am. A birth mother who carried the baby those long hard months, maybe knowing she would not have the means to care for this child, but hoping she would. She may be ill, or hungry, or poor, but she loves her child. How devastating to know that you cannot provide the basic needs, sometimes love just isn't enough... but you have to wish it was. Somewhere there is an aunt, cousin, brother, father, grandmother, and they are holding the child and playing and laughing and sometimes crying because they are a family and that's what families do. The child loves them and they love the child.
Trenton and I may have the honor and privilege of meeting the birth family of our child. Apparently that happens often with Ethiopian adoptions. I hope, for my child's story and future, that I do get to meet some of his family. Then I can tell him how much they said they loved him.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Run Forest, Run
I am currently training to do a triathlon this summer. A recent physical exerience will make a great parallel to my emotional experiences over the last 24 hours. In training to do this triathlon, I recently ran just over five miles and then sprinted the very last short leg of distance to my driveway. Once your legs have carried you a long and vigorous five miles, they really don't feel like they are attached to your body as you sprint. My head could feel the vibration as my feet hit the ground, but I couldn't feel my knees bend or my ankles preparing my foot for each downward swing. My body was hot and cold at the same time. As I moved into my driveway I collapsed. Don't get me wrong, five miles of running isn't what cause me to collapse. It wasn't that kind of collapse. I did it; I ran the entire way and I knew I could do it again the next time my training called for it. I have never pushed my body to accomplish a physical task like that. I can run 2 miles, I can run 3 miles, but I didn't know I could run 5 miles, and I sure didn't know I could run 5 miles and then throw in a short sprint at the end.
Yesterday we met with our social worker for the first time. She's a great lady, which I am thankful for, because you sure don't want to be pouring out your soul to a stranger who you feel is judging you or doesn't like you. She seems passionate about her job, and that's great for two reasons. One, I alway like people who like their job; I like it when people are passionate about their work. It inspires me. Two, for the obvious reason it will make this process easier since she seems to enjoy her work.
I feel bad for her though. I think she wants us to answer the questions at a slightly higher level. Unfortunately for her, Trenton and I have spend many years in our education evaulating ourselves and our perspectives. We have written lengthy papers on our families, our life experiences and our goals. We both have done extensive research on various cultures, and diversity, and life transitions. So she asks us a "yes or no" question, and I feel like we are still talking 1o minutes later. We couldn't have been too far off track though, we got through 3 hours of questions in just under... 3 hours. It appeared she was able to "skip" some questions because we "already covered that". And most of these questions were based on 23 pages of information Trenton and I had typed up the week before (10 pages for Trenton and 13 for me).
So, the first meeting with the social worker went well.
Next, you should know I am highly motivated by positive reinforcement and I am extremely goal oriented. Have pity on this poor social worker... when we called her to schedule our first meeting, she said, "You are fast, you have your self study done already and you were just at PAC last week." Ooo, the teacher noticed me! I see a challenge. I might be able to be the fastest! Fastest? Fastest what? How long does it usually take to do these things, how quickly has it been done by others... it doesn't matter, all I care about is that fact that I am "fast" and there is more paperwork and I can be "fast" with that too. Impressively fast, that's what I am after.
Let me bring you back to my story about running 5 miles and then doing a sprint. Since the first form was put in front of me, I feel like I have been pacing myself, one thing at a time. Taking Trenton's lead to determine what kind of timeline we should set. But last night I saw the driveway and the end of the paperwork, and I knew I could sprint in (yes, oh yes, there will be more, but we are almost there from a paperwork perspective). So this morning we recieved an e-mail with the list of items required for our dossier. Birth certificates, photos, marriage certificate, a letter from our bank, a letter from the local law enforcement, a letter to the country, more medical documentation, employment verification, the I-600A which will get us an I-171H, copy of our taxes, and more... and every form needs to be notarized. And as of 10:24 pm central standard time, it's pretty much complete. I have a doctor appointment and our passports are on the way, we are waiting for our appointment to get finger printed (again!), but we have it all in motion. I would say it is 95% complete. But it really has been a sprint all day, from one place to the next requesting forms (and everyone has a story about adoption or babies that they want to share, I am genuinely interested so it takes me a little longer to make it from one place to the next). I didn't feel my feet hitting the ground, but my head has been vibrating all day. I was anxioius and relaxed at the same time just like I was hot and cold as I ran. We did it, Trenton and I kept it moving all day we have everything done that we can. And now, I feel like I can exhale, but only for a moment.
In two weeks we meet with the social worker again, we will have to be approved, with the final and official approval. Then we wait.
For now I have a driveway to collapse in. Good-night.
Yesterday we met with our social worker for the first time. She's a great lady, which I am thankful for, because you sure don't want to be pouring out your soul to a stranger who you feel is judging you or doesn't like you. She seems passionate about her job, and that's great for two reasons. One, I alway like people who like their job; I like it when people are passionate about their work. It inspires me. Two, for the obvious reason it will make this process easier since she seems to enjoy her work.
I feel bad for her though. I think she wants us to answer the questions at a slightly higher level. Unfortunately for her, Trenton and I have spend many years in our education evaulating ourselves and our perspectives. We have written lengthy papers on our families, our life experiences and our goals. We both have done extensive research on various cultures, and diversity, and life transitions. So she asks us a "yes or no" question, and I feel like we are still talking 1o minutes later. We couldn't have been too far off track though, we got through 3 hours of questions in just under... 3 hours. It appeared she was able to "skip" some questions because we "already covered that". And most of these questions were based on 23 pages of information Trenton and I had typed up the week before (10 pages for Trenton and 13 for me).
So, the first meeting with the social worker went well.
Next, you should know I am highly motivated by positive reinforcement and I am extremely goal oriented. Have pity on this poor social worker... when we called her to schedule our first meeting, she said, "You are fast, you have your self study done already and you were just at PAC last week." Ooo, the teacher noticed me! I see a challenge. I might be able to be the fastest! Fastest? Fastest what? How long does it usually take to do these things, how quickly has it been done by others... it doesn't matter, all I care about is that fact that I am "fast" and there is more paperwork and I can be "fast" with that too. Impressively fast, that's what I am after.
Let me bring you back to my story about running 5 miles and then doing a sprint. Since the first form was put in front of me, I feel like I have been pacing myself, one thing at a time. Taking Trenton's lead to determine what kind of timeline we should set. But last night I saw the driveway and the end of the paperwork, and I knew I could sprint in (yes, oh yes, there will be more, but we are almost there from a paperwork perspective). So this morning we recieved an e-mail with the list of items required for our dossier. Birth certificates, photos, marriage certificate, a letter from our bank, a letter from the local law enforcement, a letter to the country, more medical documentation, employment verification, the I-600A which will get us an I-171H, copy of our taxes, and more... and every form needs to be notarized. And as of 10:24 pm central standard time, it's pretty much complete. I have a doctor appointment and our passports are on the way, we are waiting for our appointment to get finger printed (again!), but we have it all in motion. I would say it is 95% complete. But it really has been a sprint all day, from one place to the next requesting forms (and everyone has a story about adoption or babies that they want to share, I am genuinely interested so it takes me a little longer to make it from one place to the next). I didn't feel my feet hitting the ground, but my head has been vibrating all day. I was anxioius and relaxed at the same time just like I was hot and cold as I ran. We did it, Trenton and I kept it moving all day we have everything done that we can. And now, I feel like I can exhale, but only for a moment.
In two weeks we meet with the social worker again, we will have to be approved, with the final and official approval. Then we wait.
For now I have a driveway to collapse in. Good-night.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Learn a new language and get a new soul. ~Czech Proverb
Every science, discipline, and interest has its own language. Adoption is no exception. Trenton and I are presently learning this "language of adoption". I suppose to the outsider it seems like just another one of those "politically correct" things to do. But we have to pay close attention, because it is not about being PC... it's about how our child will hear what we are saying.
Pat Johnson, in her article "Speaking Positively: An information sheet about adoption language" talks about Positive Adoption Language (PAL). She defines PAL as a vocabulary which has been chosen to assign the maximum respect, dignity, responsibility, and objectivity to the decision made by birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees concerning their family planning decisions.
Some of the terms and ideas are blatantly obvious, it surprises me we have to educate people on some things... but others don't jump out as obvious, not until they are described.
Birth parent, birth family, birth mother, birth father - those people with whom the child shares biological traits.
Parent, family, mother, father, mommy, daddy - those people who love care for and raise and nurture the child.
Use: international adoption Not: foreign adoption - We are going to adopt internationally.
Use: special needs Not: hard to place - Some children have special needs.
Use: adoption plan Not: give up - His birth mother created an adoption plan.
Use: parenting Not: keeping - She is going to parent her baby rather than create an adoption plan.
Pat Johnston also defines the following in her article:
Natural child: any child who is not artificial.
Real parent: any parent who is not imaginary.
Your own child: any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted child: a natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.
Also, adoption is an action, not a state of being. The child is not an adopted child, the child was adopted.
Why is it all so important? Well I am sure plenty of kids have grown up "just fine" without anyone acknowledging how important these terms are. But, that's not the point, the point is that we want our child to feel welcome and comfortable and loved unconditionally. We want our child to feel that he is equally a part of our family and our family tree, our inheritance, our future and our history. She is not less than because she is adopted. He is due all the rights of biological children, including being protected from words that might hurt or be hard to understand at certain points in his development. She will be our child, he will be our real child. I believe that frequent misuse of terms and language will create confusion and may create delays and barriers in allowing the child to experience their fullness within our family. By using a vocabulary which has been chosen to assign the maximum respect, dignity, responsibility, and objectivity to the decision made by birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees concerning their family planning decisions (Johnston), we hope to allow our children internalize the same dignity and respect for themselves.
I hope to always be able to answer people's questions in a way that is comfortable for me, comfortable for the person asking, and in a way that will be a positive example and role model for all of my children. I hope that our friends, and family and strangers are open to being educated and not put on the defense.
The title of this post "Learn a new language and get a new soul" to me, means a new understanding and compassion, where ignorance existed. A new soul in place of the old ignorance, what an amazing opportunity!
Pat Johnson, in her article "Speaking Positively: An information sheet about adoption language" talks about Positive Adoption Language (PAL). She defines PAL as a vocabulary which has been chosen to assign the maximum respect, dignity, responsibility, and objectivity to the decision made by birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees concerning their family planning decisions.
Some of the terms and ideas are blatantly obvious, it surprises me we have to educate people on some things... but others don't jump out as obvious, not until they are described.
Birth parent, birth family, birth mother, birth father - those people with whom the child shares biological traits.
Parent, family, mother, father, mommy, daddy - those people who love care for and raise and nurture the child.
Use: international adoption Not: foreign adoption - We are going to adopt internationally.
Use: special needs Not: hard to place - Some children have special needs.
Use: adoption plan Not: give up - His birth mother created an adoption plan.
Use: parenting Not: keeping - She is going to parent her baby rather than create an adoption plan.
Pat Johnston also defines the following in her article:
Natural child: any child who is not artificial.
Real parent: any parent who is not imaginary.
Your own child: any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted child: a natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.
Also, adoption is an action, not a state of being. The child is not an adopted child, the child was adopted.
Why is it all so important? Well I am sure plenty of kids have grown up "just fine" without anyone acknowledging how important these terms are. But, that's not the point, the point is that we want our child to feel welcome and comfortable and loved unconditionally. We want our child to feel that he is equally a part of our family and our family tree, our inheritance, our future and our history. She is not less than because she is adopted. He is due all the rights of biological children, including being protected from words that might hurt or be hard to understand at certain points in his development. She will be our child, he will be our real child. I believe that frequent misuse of terms and language will create confusion and may create delays and barriers in allowing the child to experience their fullness within our family. By using a vocabulary which has been chosen to assign the maximum respect, dignity, responsibility, and objectivity to the decision made by birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees concerning their family planning decisions (Johnston), we hope to allow our children internalize the same dignity and respect for themselves.
I hope to always be able to answer people's questions in a way that is comfortable for me, comfortable for the person asking, and in a way that will be a positive example and role model for all of my children. I hope that our friends, and family and strangers are open to being educated and not put on the defense.
The title of this post "Learn a new language and get a new soul" to me, means a new understanding and compassion, where ignorance existed. A new soul in place of the old ignorance, what an amazing opportunity!
Saturday, April 5, 2008
She looks just like you
Transracial adoption is the integration of racially different parents and children within a family unit. As we investigate international adoption we know that our child (or children) will come from a different race and culture than Trenton or I.
I'll take an opportunity in the future to discuss why we chose adoption over other options for expanding our family, but it's not because we just couldn't have more biological children. It is much, much different than that. But here, I will take the opportunity to discuss some of my thoughts about adopting internationally. First and foremost, we want to add to our family, I feel the need to add to our family, and I know God will bring the perfect child or children to us. We have to start somewhere in the adoption process, but why not a domestic adoption, or for that matter, why not choose Russia or some other Eastern European country? Because we want the experiences that come with a transracial adoption. We know it will be hard, we know a lot of factors will come into play, but as Leo F Buscaqlia put it: “The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live." - I really don't know that you can argue with that, and frankly, I don't want to.
At first, in my reading and research I could only find information about reasons that are not good reasons to adopt transracially. The articles supported transracial adoption but said, don't do it because you want to help the world, or support racial integration, don't do it because you feel bad or because you think it is a faster way to get a baby. I agree whole heartedly, those are not good reasons to adopt transracially. I knew my heart wanted to adopt transracially, but my brain couldn't find the words to explain why. I knew if I read enough books I would find someone who could explain it for me. And I did find it. In the book Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall, they write to prepare adoptive parents for the challenges of Transracial adoption. Gail Steinberg writes:
Transracial adoption means that your family becomes "public" because the differences between family members are obvious to others. As a parent, you are on display. If you enjoy being different and standing out from the crowd, as a transracial parent you will get chances every day. On the other hand, if you are shy and like to blend in with others, being out and about with your child is bound to be laborious for you because you will always be noticed. Those of us that are natural hams or easy leaders are likely to find this easier than those who like to be followers or prefer to be one of the crowd. If you share with me an inner feeling of being different, you may find transracial adoption relieving, because it affirms and celebrates that inner sense of being different by making it visible.
The whole paragraph stood out, and jumped off the page at me. What made my heart skip a beat was the line "...it affirms and celebrates that inner sense of being different and making it visible." I am lucky enough to have my Grandma Babe- more on this wonderful and unique individual in a future story. For now, know that she values uniqueness and individuality, she'll teach you to be a leader, not a follower, think for yourself, be yourself and humbly believe you are the best there is as whatever you do- you can't grow up with this woman as a teacher and mentor and want to blend in, you just can't. I also have to believe that there is enough of this philosophy ingrained in me by her, that my children will grow up the same way... they too will believe that being unique and different is worth celebrating!
I have a lot to learn about transracial adoption, I have a lot to learn about my child and the culture and race that is part of who that unique individual will be, my whole family has a lot to learn. But I am so excited to share those experiences with my family, including this little person, in the way that meets each individual's needs. It's not a one-size-fits-all, everyone will learn and experience in their own way. I look forward to being a teacher and student in this experience.
“It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength.” -Maya Angelou
I'll take an opportunity in the future to discuss why we chose adoption over other options for expanding our family, but it's not because we just couldn't have more biological children. It is much, much different than that. But here, I will take the opportunity to discuss some of my thoughts about adopting internationally. First and foremost, we want to add to our family, I feel the need to add to our family, and I know God will bring the perfect child or children to us. We have to start somewhere in the adoption process, but why not a domestic adoption, or for that matter, why not choose Russia or some other Eastern European country? Because we want the experiences that come with a transracial adoption. We know it will be hard, we know a lot of factors will come into play, but as Leo F Buscaqlia put it: “The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live." - I really don't know that you can argue with that, and frankly, I don't want to.
At first, in my reading and research I could only find information about reasons that are not good reasons to adopt transracially. The articles supported transracial adoption but said, don't do it because you want to help the world, or support racial integration, don't do it because you feel bad or because you think it is a faster way to get a baby. I agree whole heartedly, those are not good reasons to adopt transracially. I knew my heart wanted to adopt transracially, but my brain couldn't find the words to explain why. I knew if I read enough books I would find someone who could explain it for me. And I did find it. In the book Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall, they write to prepare adoptive parents for the challenges of Transracial adoption. Gail Steinberg writes:
Transracial adoption means that your family becomes "public" because the differences between family members are obvious to others. As a parent, you are on display. If you enjoy being different and standing out from the crowd, as a transracial parent you will get chances every day. On the other hand, if you are shy and like to blend in with others, being out and about with your child is bound to be laborious for you because you will always be noticed. Those of us that are natural hams or easy leaders are likely to find this easier than those who like to be followers or prefer to be one of the crowd. If you share with me an inner feeling of being different, you may find transracial adoption relieving, because it affirms and celebrates that inner sense of being different by making it visible.
The whole paragraph stood out, and jumped off the page at me. What made my heart skip a beat was the line "...it affirms and celebrates that inner sense of being different and making it visible." I am lucky enough to have my Grandma Babe- more on this wonderful and unique individual in a future story. For now, know that she values uniqueness and individuality, she'll teach you to be a leader, not a follower, think for yourself, be yourself and humbly believe you are the best there is as whatever you do- you can't grow up with this woman as a teacher and mentor and want to blend in, you just can't. I also have to believe that there is enough of this philosophy ingrained in me by her, that my children will grow up the same way... they too will believe that being unique and different is worth celebrating!
I have a lot to learn about transracial adoption, I have a lot to learn about my child and the culture and race that is part of who that unique individual will be, my whole family has a lot to learn. But I am so excited to share those experiences with my family, including this little person, in the way that meets each individual's needs. It's not a one-size-fits-all, everyone will learn and experience in their own way. I look forward to being a teacher and student in this experience.
“It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength.” -Maya Angelou
Thursday, April 3, 2008
So much paperwork, so many decisions
We did continue to investigate our options, but by the end of that same day in November, we were quite confident that we would use adoption as our preferred method for expanding our family. I sent out requests for information from adoption agencies via the web. The information came and there were so many decisions. A big agency? A less expensive agency? An agency with more experience with one country or another? An agency that places a lot of children? We quickly chose an agency and attended an orientation.
At the orientation we received the "application packet". We began filling it out as quickly as possible and sent it off to the agency. They wanted to know what country we would prefer to work with, how old we wanted the child to be and what gender we wanted (for those of you who don't know, most people want to adopt girls, if you want a girl, you can expect to wait longer). Until the day we had to put it in writing, we said a girl, under 6 months... on that day we filled out the paperwork and indicated we would take a boy or girl up to 18 months. I don't know what was different at that moment, but that was what we put on paper.
Then we were required to attend the Pre-Adoption Class (PAC). At the PAC class we received another packet of papers we were required to spill our heart and soul, family story and life history onto paper, it was called a "Self-Study". Then we had to predict how we would handle a variety of situations with our potential transcultural child, from India, or Ethiopia, or some other country not yet decided. For some, telling your life story and sending it off to a stranger may seem incredibly scary, for me, it was like another Psychology Paper from my many classes in the field. The big difference, the result is not a letter grade, the stakes are much higher.
We pondered the Self Study and attended the various workshops offered during the two day PAC class. We learned from people who were adopted, who had adopted, and we discussed those families who make an adoption plan for their children. We watched videos of children in orphanages and in foster homes. We saw infants and toddlers and young children all waiting for their "forever family". Here's where it gets amazing:
We watched those toddlers and we fell in love with them, those young children who we might get to parent. As the mother of two biological children, children who grew in my body for 40 weeks before emerging as a tiny package and gift from God, I thought that is how all children came. I thought all families started with tiny babies, but you know, they don't.
There isn't any reason we wouldn't fall totally and completely in love with a 2, 3, or 4-year-old child. I did fall in love, I loved, loved, loved those children in the videos and my heart had new eyes.
As we completed that "Self Study" they asked again for us to describe the child we hoped for. This time we said a child age 0-4, and that we are open to a sibling group under age 4. Our application was submitted to the Ethiopian program for a child or sibling group, no gender preferred for a child or children under age 4.
At the orientation we received the "application packet". We began filling it out as quickly as possible and sent it off to the agency. They wanted to know what country we would prefer to work with, how old we wanted the child to be and what gender we wanted (for those of you who don't know, most people want to adopt girls, if you want a girl, you can expect to wait longer). Until the day we had to put it in writing, we said a girl, under 6 months... on that day we filled out the paperwork and indicated we would take a boy or girl up to 18 months. I don't know what was different at that moment, but that was what we put on paper.
Then we were required to attend the Pre-Adoption Class (PAC). At the PAC class we received another packet of papers we were required to spill our heart and soul, family story and life history onto paper, it was called a "Self-Study". Then we had to predict how we would handle a variety of situations with our potential transcultural child, from India, or Ethiopia, or some other country not yet decided. For some, telling your life story and sending it off to a stranger may seem incredibly scary, for me, it was like another Psychology Paper from my many classes in the field. The big difference, the result is not a letter grade, the stakes are much higher.
We pondered the Self Study and attended the various workshops offered during the two day PAC class. We learned from people who were adopted, who had adopted, and we discussed those families who make an adoption plan for their children. We watched videos of children in orphanages and in foster homes. We saw infants and toddlers and young children all waiting for their "forever family". Here's where it gets amazing:
We watched those toddlers and we fell in love with them, those young children who we might get to parent. As the mother of two biological children, children who grew in my body for 40 weeks before emerging as a tiny package and gift from God, I thought that is how all children came. I thought all families started with tiny babies, but you know, they don't.
There isn't any reason we wouldn't fall totally and completely in love with a 2, 3, or 4-year-old child. I did fall in love, I loved, loved, loved those children in the videos and my heart had new eyes.
As we completed that "Self Study" they asked again for us to describe the child we hoped for. This time we said a child age 0-4, and that we are open to a sibling group under age 4. Our application was submitted to the Ethiopian program for a child or sibling group, no gender preferred for a child or children under age 4.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Once upon a time...
All good stories start with "Once upon a time..." and those same stories end with "and they all lived happily ever after!" so I am going to stick with what I know.
If you are reading this you probably know me and know a little about my family. So, I am going to start this story where I think it began. For about two years Trenton and I were asking ourselves if we were really done having children. We asked each other, we asked ourselves, our children asked me, and our children asked Trenton... we even had someone offer to check into the cost of a vasectomy reversal for us. The itch, the feeling that something wasn't quite the way it was supposed to be, was there. It's not like when you lose something important or when you are sad or grieving, but more like when you organize your desk and something is just not in place. You notice it, sometimes you are reminded of it, but it doesn't make you sad and you don't really think about it all that often... but you know something is just not right.
On a Sunday morning in November of 2007, we had a busy day planned. Trenton scheduled a meeting with his contractors in Maple Grove, the meeting was near Trenton's parents so we planned to drop off Angelisa and Naven, then head off to the meeting and then on to watch the Packer vs Viking game with our friends, and neighbors, the Mack's. -I am going to pause to point out a couple of important facts about the 2007-08 season and the November 11 game... the game was at Lambeau, the score was 34-0, Packers win. How great was that game? In the end, the 2008 season closed with the announcement that Brett Favre was going to retire. What a season! - Sorry, back to the main story, so on this day in November, as Trenton and I made our way to Maple Grove, our conversation turned again to the idea of expanding our family.
I recall asking Trenton the following (keep in mind my loving husband is a marriage and family therapist - and a good one too!), "Do you have clients who wonder about having children like we do? Do the clients wonder if they should expand their families, do they come to you and talk about it for two years? It is a phase, do all couples go through it, and if we wait it out it will go away?" My loving husband, who as I mentioned is an excellent therapist, replied that in fact he had never had that issue come up in therapy.
Our conversation continued and resulted in deciding that we would investigate our options for expanding our family.
If you are reading this you probably know me and know a little about my family. So, I am going to start this story where I think it began. For about two years Trenton and I were asking ourselves if we were really done having children. We asked each other, we asked ourselves, our children asked me, and our children asked Trenton... we even had someone offer to check into the cost of a vasectomy reversal for us. The itch, the feeling that something wasn't quite the way it was supposed to be, was there. It's not like when you lose something important or when you are sad or grieving, but more like when you organize your desk and something is just not in place. You notice it, sometimes you are reminded of it, but it doesn't make you sad and you don't really think about it all that often... but you know something is just not right.
On a Sunday morning in November of 2007, we had a busy day planned. Trenton scheduled a meeting with his contractors in Maple Grove, the meeting was near Trenton's parents so we planned to drop off Angelisa and Naven, then head off to the meeting and then on to watch the Packer vs Viking game with our friends, and neighbors, the Mack's. -I am going to pause to point out a couple of important facts about the 2007-08 season and the November 11 game... the game was at Lambeau, the score was 34-0, Packers win. How great was that game? In the end, the 2008 season closed with the announcement that Brett Favre was going to retire. What a season! - Sorry, back to the main story, so on this day in November, as Trenton and I made our way to Maple Grove, our conversation turned again to the idea of expanding our family.
I recall asking Trenton the following (keep in mind my loving husband is a marriage and family therapist - and a good one too!), "Do you have clients who wonder about having children like we do? Do the clients wonder if they should expand their families, do they come to you and talk about it for two years? It is a phase, do all couples go through it, and if we wait it out it will go away?" My loving husband, who as I mentioned is an excellent therapist, replied that in fact he had never had that issue come up in therapy.
Our conversation continued and resulted in deciding that we would investigate our options for expanding our family.
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