Are we there yet? How about now?

My parents live in Eastern Wisconsin about 4-5 hours drive from the Twin Cities. Our kids are pretty used to the long drive as they get lots of practice. We bring along video games, DVDs, CDs, and a plethora of ridiculous games and songs stored in my brain from roads trips I took myself as a child.

I recall when Trenton and I were first married and our children were of the four-legged species. As we would approach the final turn to my parents, Trenton would rile the dogs, "We're there! We're there! Who wants to see Grandma and Grandpa?" The dogs would wake and turn circles in a most excited manner. I warned him though it might seem like a great plan with dogs, one day if, or when, we had children, he would not be allowed to demonstrate such antics.

We now have children of the two-legged species and there was no need for my worries about waking them... they don't go to sleep. "Are we there yet? What time will we be at Grandpa's? No, exactly what time, how many minutes? How many miles? Where are we now? Now are we there? This looks like Grandpa's , I think we are there."

What do you call that time between events, the time that you wait, but you are active? The activities don't change the outcome, you could skip that part and get the same outcome. It is not the means to an end, it is just gray matter. Or is it?

Thanks to my good friends at Dictionary.com I found the following definitions:
Waiting: To remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens
Expect : To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of, eager anticipation
Anticipate: to expect; look forward to; be sure of: to anticipate a favorable decision.
Avid: keenly desirous; eager

I can tell you I most certainly am not "waiting", there is nothing inactive about my state. But some combination of avidly expectant anticipation might describe my current mind set.

I don't get to ask my mom and dad if we are there yet, or how much farther, there is no map to follow. But I do have a few resources.

The agency we are working with sponsors a forum where many pre-adoptive parents and adoptive parents come to chat about where they are at in the process. They ask for advice, share set backs and news of referrals, and the stories of coming home with their beautiful new children. One common theme in the discussions happens to be around the wait. - How long have you been waiting? How long did you wait? How long do you think you might wait? - All this wondering doesn't change how long someone will wait, it might even make it feel longer, but I think it helps to feel informed and educated. The difference between knowing you will have to wait three years or six months is huge. There are many creative individuals who have tried to make the timing into a science and figure out the difference in days or weeks rather than months.

One parent started an "informal list" of waiting parents. You can e-mail and ask to be added to the list and they will help you to guess how long your wait might be. They look to see how long it takes for families to receive referrals of children of different ages. There are variances since there are more families waiting for infants than three-year-olds, more families waiting for girls than boys, and more families waiting for healthy children than those who will accept children with special needs. The informal list anticipates about 1/3-1/2 of waiting families with our agency ask to be put on this list. According to that list, we are #103 and we should have our referral by mid-October (just a reminder "referral" means that they have a "match", a child who meets our age, gender, health requirements) .

Another option for for my focused obsessing is a hotline provided by the agency. This is updated twice per month, the most recent update was April 15th. Here are the stats:

There are currently 241 waiting families with our agency in the Ethiopia program.
The breakdown is:
156 families are waiting for an infant age 0-12 months
23 families waiting for toddler age 0-18 months
17 families waiting for toddler age 0-24 months
11 families waiting for toddler age 0-36 months
6 families waiting for toddlers age 0-48 months
9 families waiting for sibling up to 3 years old
9 families waiting for siblings up to 4 yrs old
11 families waiting for siblings up to 5 yrs
2 families waiting for siblings up to 8 yrs

We are either in the group with 6 families waiting for 0-48 months or the 9 families waiting for siblings up to 4 years old. Also, the numbers don't add up so either there are more families waiting, or one of the lists overstates the number waiting. - And all that said, those numbers are before we even submitted our paperwork. I am hopeful that many people received referrals that week or not a lot of new families turned in paperwork. Wishful thinking, can you blame me?

That was a lot of detail, so I'll spare you my additional fixations around combing blogs for dates, and doing my own calculations on the wait lists.

Is it gray matter, this waiting time? I think it will be sometimes, but so far in the process I have met a lot of people, and I have learned a lot. Granted we have only been "officially waiting" five days, but we have been on this journey for over five months now. As I mentioned before in the same way pregnancy prepares you for an infant, so does this process begin to give me the tools and education to enjoy our adoption journey.

The final piece of information about the wait is that the courts in Ethiopia close during August and September. Well not exactly, and apparently not every year on the same date. The dates change, its a guessing game. The agency does their best to predict and plan referrals accordingly. We understand that if we do not receive a referral by June 15th, then the next possible chance for a referral isn't until September. But, the unofficial lists says I won't hear anything until mid-October, so I that just gives me more time to practice patience... waiting contentedly... contentment of avidly expectant anticipation... I definitely need more work on patience.