The laws of nature

I do take things to the extreme. I admit it. Isn't admitting it the first step to fixing the problem? Let me check with my therapist... I checked...He says, "Admitting the problem is the first step to change" So there you have it in official therapese.

I have realized however that the universe has it's own way of controlling me. I don't like to be controlled, I like to be in control. No matter how much I don't like it, the heavens do set limits for me and they do insist I will follow the rules.

I have an incredible desire to pack EVERYTHING for this trip. I am going to a country where many people are barely able to eat once a day and may only make $1-2 per month if they can even find work. And I need to pack everything I can think of? Behind the zippers of my luggage I have packed many wants as well as the basic needs. The teeth in those zippers grit and grind to hang on to hold items like air fresheners and dental floss. Are these really needs that I cannot live without for 10 days? It is a very sad state of things, I am a bit disappointed in my inability to make sense of what is a need and what is a want in this process. I'll tell you I would be happy to get on a plane with only the clothes on my back, just to bring my little boy home, but my fellow travelers may not appreciate my exercise in determining wants vs needs (wow that but contains the worst excuse ever).

I have contributed to deforestation in the state of Minnesota, and probably part of Wisconsin due to the number of lists and documents I have printed to have as a reference while we are in Ethiopia. Just my lists and general information could make a book. I have actually assembled it into a book with a Table of Contents. (I am sick, I admit it!)

Information seems like my air sometimes, some nights I get frustrated that I have to go to bed and sleep. Do you know how much information I could learn in the 7 hours I am sleeping. So much loss of productivity! Hey, don't get me wrong, I love naps just as much as the next sloth... but sometimes I wish I could just keep going.

What does this have to do with the Universe imposing limits on me, you ask. Let me tell you. There are only so many suitcases I can take to Ethiopia. There is a limit. Yes, I can pay more and take more and pack more, but eventually the plane will be full (Sister in Love, I may need more chickens - can you help?). Tonight in the midst of making lists, I ran out of paper. I even resorted to printing on the back of some "mistake" pages. But the paper is gone now, and I had to stop printing. Good thing, because the next limit I reached is the capacity of the "book" I made. I bought folders with clasps, and I have filled it as full as the clasps can handle without bursting. Many pages are filled to all 8 1/2 x 11 inches of white space. I have modified margins on almost every page, but eventually I fill it, and I have to stop.

Eventually it all has to stop, because I will need to unplug the computer and get on a plane to Ethiopia. I have books ready to take along so I can read and learn on the way, but I can only pack so many books, and there is only so much time on the plane (do not read this as meaning I would like the flight to be longer. Can someone talk to Scotty about "beaming" me over?) I have pen and paper, I am sure I will make many more lists before I depart and return again to the United States of America.

I will do my best to respect the white space on paper, and the last page in a book, and that last moments that a battery struggles to provide power. I will not break the zipper on the suitcases. I will do my best to respect the limits of my loved ones, and my own body. I will respect (and consider) the laws, of government and nature. I will allow for boundaries and limits. But I won't like it, not one little bit. I like to push the limits. I do believe that some rules are made to be broken, and some rules are made to be broken just by me. I can do anything I set my mind to, we all can, but that in and of itself is the problem. I haven't "set" my mind. It has no rules and no boundaries in the world of information and possibilities. It's not about achieving the "one" thing... it's about achieving "all" the things.