I love you the most

I really, really, really want to have Tamene with me. I feel like I have been waiting too long already. I feel sad and somehow a little lonesome. Teary. That slight feeling of misplacement while wondering if we really should expand our family, has now turned into a missing piece of the puzzle. The family no longer feels complete at all. We have one more piece that needs to be set in place to complete the picture. Every day I notice that Tamene is missing. It's as though he is here and he is part of us and we are just waiting for him to come home. Just like when the kids stay with the grandparents, you forget you don't have to whisper at night, you go to check on them before going to bed, and you expect to find each one of them lying in there bed the same way at sunrise as it was at sunset. But Tamene is not there. I picture him being tucked in, but he is not there. I prepare to hug him good night, or grab him out of bed in the morning, but he is not there.

I asked the kids if they are ready for Tamene to come, and they are. They too are tired of the wait. Angelisa thinks we should just have someone bring him here because it is taking too long for Trent and I to go get him. Naven wants to know when he will come. When? That is the big question for all of us. It doesn't matter if you are 6 or 30 something, the question is when.

Trent is such a trooper to support me while he too is waiting impatiently. He encourages me and tells me it is hard for all of us, but we know the time will come. He said it is like pregnancy without a due date. But I am going to say it's like labor when you don't know how much longer you are going to have wait until you push. I remember being in labor and the extreme discomfort physically as well as the emotional drain and the need to have it over... 'Get that baby out and let me hold her." I remember for months after the kids were born, and sometimes to this day, if I read or watch a birth story I become overwhelmed with emotion, fighting back the tears that remind me of those last tiring and uncomfortable moments that were also filled with extreme joy and excitement. I feel the same here at this moment in time. I feel as though I am in labor, I am not sure when they will tell me to "push", but I am waiting. I am waiting for someone to tell me I am close enough to see this baby and this baby is ready to come to the world for it's first breath - and PUSH. With Tamene, I believe this is happening in the right time - maybe he needs more distance from each of his transitions to be ready for us. But when you are this uncomfortable it is hard to think of anything but yourself and your discomfort. Never to jeopardize the safety and well being of the children, but just the intense desire to be relieved of the aches that have no end in site. I know he will come at the right time... I know this is all for a reason, for many reasons. But only my head can understand, my heart refuses to listen.

Sometimes I think about Tamene and my heart aches for him. My arms ache to hold him. I think about him looking at me the way Naven looks at me, and I loose my breath. I think about how I say to my children everyday "Guess, what?" and we have said this so long and so many times, that they don't say "what" back to me, they don't wait for me to say "I love you". They just respond with, "I love you more." I wait for Tamene to say that too, so that I can reply as I do with all my children, "I love you the most." Today a lump in my throat, an ache in my heart and a welling tear in my eye. The tear will not stay down, nor will it come out. It just sits there and blurs my vision as a reminder that as painful as it feels today, there will be unspeakable joy. In the future I will reflect on as this an amazingly short amount of time. But, until I can reflect, I wallow.


Tamene, guess what?

Momma loves you!