I had several interesting interactions with friends in the last days. I just want to blog about the experience, each friend brought me a lot to think about and I experienced a wide range of emotions. I am thinking about this for the first time as I type, so hang in there for the journey of this blog.
Friend 'goddess' writes: I consistently check your blog and think that its amazing. You and Trent are amazing--this whole process is amazing. I thank you for allowing me to be a part of this process. Not that I ever assumed adoption was easy, but I had no clue as to the minute details involved....So I would just like to say Miss Kamille--I am truly honored to be your friend and what an amazing journey we have had!!!!!!!!!!!
Friend 'goddess' and I have shared many life milestones. We were pregnant at the same time with our biological children, we were coworkers in more than one job, we share alma maters (though neither of us have completed the master's degree yet, you can place your bets on her finishing before me), and we share many acquaintances. We have experienced some great times together and a few trials, things that seemed big at the time, but some days make a humorous story now. I like her, she's got a fun personality. The adoption makes a clear difference in our paths, she pointed this out. She went on to say, "So after much soul searching I realized that what a beautiful gift friendship is--despite what is going on in your life you can still grow together and be stronger for yourself and the other person because of it." No jealousy, no judging, just friendship in a real and very raw way. Thanks 'friend goddess', I needed your words today.
Friend 'little sister': She was in the hospital. Being released tonight, she's ok, but a hospital can be scary for anyone. I have tried to reach her to communicate with her recently. But we have had trouble connecting. Or should I say I haven't hear from her. I am not judging, no guilt, just a fact; I haven't heard from her. I worry about her. Worry when weeks pass without some brief e-mail or text message. She's like a little sister. And I want to protect her, but I haven't been able to put out the energy or "protection" that I think she needs. Maybe she doesn't need it. She is strong, she is much stronger than she thinks, some day she will find her internal power. I hope the world is ready for it. Potential energy just waiting to become kinetic. I wish I could be there for her, I definitely want to be there when the kinetic energy lets loose. I believe our friendship is strong enough to make it through this time where I have little to offer her except the love in my heart.
Friend 'big sister': I have a friend who is not that much older, but ohh so much wiser than I (she is going to owe me big time for the lie of saying she is not that much older ;-). This friendship is amazing to me. I have never had a friendship that is not based on some reciprocity requirement or expectation of some kind. But here, nothing. We are who we are, do we what we do. If there is a crisis, a need or an issue she is there, and I am there. No questions, no worries if weeks go by without communication. If there is a need, one of us will call. Intuition here is strong. Why does she call to check in when I am having a bad day? How does she know? Why do I call to find her in tears, or needing a moment to vent. The universe uses our relationship like pawns in a game. Someone knows the what and why, but it's way outside anything I can comprehend! I do love her. It's live having my own Dear Abby in my back pocket. There is never a doubt in my mind that she will be there if I need her, never.
Friend 'BFF at Work': I just want to say that my BFF at work is on vacation. I miss her. I think she and I make each other better people, better at our careers. We can give honest feedback about how we do at work, no judging, no hurt feelings... just the best interest of each other. No competition either. We just do the work and share our frustrations and accomplishments, and talk about family. I look forward to seeing her everyday. We are kindred spirits who compliment each other. I can't wait for her to come back to work.
Friend 'sister in love': I have a whole post about her yesterday. Funny stuff too. She's been in a couple of these sappy posts, you all know how much I love her. I just didn't want to leave her out.
Friend 'soul sister': A phone call tonight from the friend who I think sees my soul. She is a mirror to my soul and a gift from God. She offered her empathy for my ache to hold my little boy in my arms. Just the thought brings tears to my eyes, streaming tears. The chaos of my brain reflected in just a few words from her. Her patience, love and commitment to me do not get the reciprocation they deserve, but she knows how difficult this wait is. I know our friendship will come out on the other side, and I hope she knows that I will be there for her, in the same way she has been there for me through all of this waiting.
After I talked to her I thought about the incredibly long and difficult wait to meet the babies that grew in my womb. I thought how much I longed to hold them in my arms. Then I thought about other times you have that loss feeling: a lost cell phone, how sick does that make you, when you can't find your phone? What about when you can't find your keys, or your social security card (mom???). You just want them back. Inanimate objects that offer nothing other than the security of knowing they are there. Replaceable objects. And I will NOT pretend that I know anything about the loss related to a miscarriage, but the thought of falling in love with a child you have not yet met, the hopes and dreams that develop before you ever meet that little being and the thoughts that come even after the loss... my son and my love for my son grow every day, every moment in my heart. The anticipation of a child should be revered. For those who have hoped to grow a child in their womb, for those who have and who have lost that child and for those who have the privilege of watching your children grow, I have to believe the love is the same. The whole experience and the unbelievable emotion should not be underestimated. If you are a mother, think about the child you grew and nurtured in your womb (or in your heart and soul), then imagine sending them over 7,000 miles away and know that it will be months before you can hold him again. I remember my hysterics when my first born daughter was away for a week. I didn't think I would make it - and she was in the hands of my mother. My little boy is with people I don't know, in a place I can't imagine. I have my own fears about going there as an adult with my loving husband; and there he is, my little boy alone, and brave facing the world. As a mother, this is incredibly distressing.
I am ok, I know he is being well cared for - as well as a child without a momma can be. But I just wanted to reflect on my emotion, it comes sometimes and I loose my breath. Here it is 10pm CST... about 7am in the fine country of Ethiopia. I sleep and he plays, the physical is truly a world away. But he is here, he is right here, growing inside of me, growing in my heart.
Much gratitude and thanks to all of my friends and family who continue to support me through this time of waiting and of joy. Each of you help me to be what I should!
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