With empty hands

Tonight there was a change that impacted people I love. In protecting privacy there are no identifying details in this story. Thanks for reading and understanding that this blog is a place for me to take an active and moving event in my mind and lie it to rest here for the night.

I went to help. There was a brief moment in time that seems some how frozen. From that moment you recognize someone you love is in need, you want to help. And love, I think, means you want to fix it and make it better. Whatever it is. And you believe, through love, that it is your sole responsibility to fix whatever is wrong and protect those you love.

Love is such a wonderful thing. Loves provides happiness and memories, and faith and hope. But in a moment where you cannot change what is affecting those you love, love brings pain... or allows pain, or requires pain, I am not sure which. There must be a direct correlation between how much you love someone one and how helpless you feel when you cannot protect, when you cannot fix. I saw this tonight.

In my mind there is an ideal world where everything works the way I think it should, I can fix anything, I know everything, and there is no mountain I cannot move. But outside of my "ideal world" there is an encounter with the reality of what a small little being I am in this great big universe. Life is a cycle, full of changes, we do the best we can to prepare, but there are surprises, shocking surprises that leave you feeling lost and confused. No book or research can prepare you for that unanticipated change in the cycle. Without information I feel stripped of who I am, finding a core fear that dwells suppressed by the endless trail of information I feed to that needy monster of fear.

By human nature we want to know why. And by human nature I believe we will find and create those answers in their own time - in the right time. The same series of events that we can create and follow in our mind, bring us to the blessings we receive or the losses we encounter. The blessing in my mind, may be a loss in yours. (for a moment back to the adoption - my blessing is another woman's loss). How can sadness and happiness, comfort and loss be in the same exact moment. A happy ending depends on where you stop the story (quote plagiarized from a Google search - I have had a long night, sincere apologies and gratefulness to the author who penned those words).

When I have nothing to offer, when that suppressed fear finds it's way to the surface, I do not have the answer, I cannot fix the problem, I am not even sure if I understand the question - it is there I have only love. And I offer my willingness to share the sadness and the loss, to carry a portion of the burden, if I can, if I am allowed, so that the burden is not so heavy for the ones I love.

In moments of loss where grief brings the pain we experience today, it is a result of the happiness we once experienced.

Love. Loss or Change. Fear. Reality. Blessings. Relief. An infinite amount of information could exist related to any one of these words, but tonight all captured in one moment.

Even when your hands are empty your heart can be full. Tonight that is all I had to offer.